


It's my life

by StormyBear30



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-15
Updated: 2011-09-15
Packaged: 2017-10-23 18:20:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/253442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	It's my life

Officially my title was personal assistant, but to him, for him I was his everything. I basically was his slave, his pimp, his drug dealer, his best friend when he needed a shoulder to cry upon. I was his verbal, sometime physical punching back. I was the person who put him up on a pedestal when his ego needed boosted and the one who got the backlash when it was deflated and he plummeted off. As I said I was his everything, including his lover whenever he was lonely and there was no one else better. I had been his personal assistant for five years, three months, twenty six days, but Jared Leto had been in my entire life a lot longer then that.

The madness all started in the summer of my fourteenth year when my parent’s decided that they no longer felt it safe to raise their children in Chicago and instead moved us to the sunny state of California. We lived in a suburb of the huge city and I was completely miserable because of it. None of the kid accepted me because I was different. I refused to fall into the perfect role of teenager; instead I grew my hair long, wore lots of black and listened to dark music which was my only saving grace. I didn’t fit the Barbie and Ken mold of perfection and I was fine with that, but sometimes I had to admit that I was lonely and in desperate need of a friend, that’s where Jared came in. He just swooped into my life like a tornado and it was never the same again.

We became inseparable, spending every waking moment together. Jared was pretty popular in our high school, and I could never figure out why he wanted to hang out with me and be my friend, but I wasn’t willing to look a gift horse in the mouth and played along with him. He became my best friend and I his, as we shared each and every moment that came into our young lives. I loved being Jared’s friend, despite the fact that many of his other friends didn’t understand our friendship and went out of their way to express it quite vocally to the both of us and yet he always defended me and rather quickly those feelings of friendship turned into so much more.

I accepted the fact that I was gay without question, opting to keep my discovery only to myself out of fear that if anyone, particularly Jared found out there would be hell to pay. I was terrified of losing the friendship that meant everything to me, the secret I was keeping eating at my very soul as year after year passed. Jared, sensing that something was wrong confronting me one night and after many attempts at denial, I finally exposed my horrible secret. He didn’t say anything for a long time; huge blue eyes staring at me in a way that made me feel so uncomfortable with him that I had to fight the urge to flee over and over again. “I don’t give a fuck if you’re gay” He finally announced with a smile, scooping me up from the chair I had been sitting on before giving me my first boyhood kiss. I found out that night that Jared was also harboring his own terrible secret. We once again shared many firsts that last year of high school, my virginity lost in the darkness of his bedroom one night after a high school basketball game. It was amazing and fucking scary all rolled into one, but I was with Jared and he made everything much easier and I loved him all the more for it.

Growing up Jared always had huge dreams about becoming a star of stage and screen and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was going to achieve his dreams. I never made any real plans for my own life, because my life seemed to be interwoven with Jared’s and his dreams became my dreams and at the beginning that was enough for me. He had starred in all of the school productions, always playing the leads and in my eyes he was the most talented actor I had ever seen. We had big plans for the summer after graduation, resulting in the two of us working our asses off and saving enough money to buy a one way ticket for each of us on a bus to Los Angeles in order to put Jared’s dreams of stardom in motion.

I found a job rather quickly working in an Italian restaurant as a waiter. The hours were lousy, but the pay was good enough that I was able to keep a roof over our heads as Jared went out for auditions for anything that would bring him one step closer to what he wanted from life. He made a couple of commercials that brought some money into our household income, but the majority of it was spent on him for acting classes and clothing that kept him in the latest styles. I was near exhaustion with the hours that I was working as well as keeping his appointments and classes on track, but I did it gladly because my faith in him was enormous. Two years later he landed a small role on a new television pilot, that role increasing when the show took off fully due to his acting skills and his good looks. I had never been as proud of Jared as I was during that time, both of our lives getting caught up in a whirlwind after that, our lives changed forever.

As the shows ratings continued to climb, so did Jared popularity. He began to make a name for himself, getting invited to premiere’s and awards shows on a near constant basis. He was determined to get his face out there and because of it I was able to quit my shitty job and become his full time assistant. It was wonderful at the very beginning because everything was so new and exciting, and we did everything together just as we had in high school. However, things began to change when he started dating an up and coming actress, who constantly treated me like the hired help, Jared beginning to do the same rather quickly after their relationship took off. To say I was hurt was an understatement because he had never treated me so badly before, but I held on because I still considered him my best friend and as always my faith and trust in him was unwavering.

As expected the relationship didn’t last long, the woman I hated with an all fired passion finding the man that she claimed to love in bed with another man. I was delighted that she was finally out of our lives and for a short time Jared and I were back on track with our friendship. All that changed after he was offered his first movie role. It was just a small part, and one that I didn’t think was the best move for him, but he ignored me and took the role, falling into near devastation when within weeks of its premiere, it flopped and was pulled from theater rotation. It was then that the drug use started, thanks in part to the wonderful new friends and followers he had acquired along the way. I was devastated when I found out that he was using, finding him after being missing for three days in some drug house, after a phone call from some anonymous person. He was high as a kite and unable to remember anything that had happened in those previous days. After that I was not only Jared’s best friend and personal assistant, but I was also his drug buyer as well.

Life after that was a bit tough. The film roles dried up and he was constantly at odds with the writers and directors of the show he was still starring in. He was unhappy with the show, making my life utterly miserable and yet it was money coming in and it kept us off of the streets. Jared changed all that one night when he came home in a rage so severe that it was several minutes before I found out what the hell had happened. He had gotten into it with the higher ups of the show once again and tired of his prissy assed attitude, they had fired him. I was shocked at first, defending my friend tooth and nail, but then little by little as the story leaked out, I became angry at the truth. Jared was quick to blame everyone else but himself, refusing to see that he was the cause of the problem, due to his horrible attitude towards the staff and his shows co-stars. I tried to explain this to him, Jared hitting me for the first time ever in all the years that I had known him. It wasn’t that the punch itself hurt much, but the anger that was behind it and it was fully directed at me. A few more hits came my way before he realized what he was doing, who he was hurting and then he fell completely apart.

He fell to the floor besides me where I lay in shock, unable to move and even worse unable to stop the tears flowing down my face. He cried out apologies galore, cradling me within his arms as he rocked the two of us back and forth and yet I still spoke not a word out of shock and hurt. He begged for my forgiveness at those tears, placing soft kisses all over my tearstained face, eventually resting one on my partially swollen lips. Everything became a whirlwind after that as that simple kiss turned explosive and before I knew what was truly happening we were naked and Jared was fucking me. I wasn’t expecting it, in truth I didn’t even get a chance to enjoy it before it was over, but it heightened the flame of love I held for that man just a bit more in a very fucked up way. We fell asleep on that very same floor in the hallway of the apartment we shared, I waking up the next morning alone and extremely confused about what was going to happen next.

What happened next was Jared being unemployed for nearly a year and in that time I did things for that man I never would have thought I would have done for anyone. The money that I had been saving from the moment we moved to L.A. disappeared within the first three months, Jared continuing to live the high life while I struggled to find him work, selling my blood, plaza and sperm anywhere that I could. I still believed in Jared so firmly that I was willing to do whatever was necessary to keep him happy and in the lifestyle he had become accustomed, even if it meant that I was in utter misery for it. He never mentioned that night on that floor and as much as it broke my heart, I pushed past it because in truth who really had time to wallow when there was always something needing to be done. We were struggling, really fucking struggling at that point and most days I didn’t know where I was going to come up with enough money to pay the rent, much less put food in our bellies, and yet I struggled on. I gave up everything for that man, selling body fluids, missing meals, and as I said before I did it gladly, thinking that there was nothing else that Jared could ask of me, and yet once again he proved me completely wrong.

I don’t think Jared really knew how hard I was struggling to keep our heads above water, or maybe he did and he just didn’t care, even years later I still don’t know anymore. He still went to the clubs, the extravagant parties where he mingled with anyone who he felt might get him into his dream of movies once again, while I sat home alone and lonely. I felt that most day I didn’t have a friend in the world except for Jared and even then I wasn’t sure. Those nights always ended the same, with Jared coming home high as a kite and pissed off at the entire world yet again, me having to calm the raging beast deep within any way that I could. I knew that his drug habit was getting bad and I never asked where he got the money for the drugs he seemed to need, but I found out one night when he came home with two greasy looking men and asked something of me that even today I still get an uneasy feeling in my stomach whenever I think about it.

He was in debt, several thousands of dollars in debt, the greasy looking men his drug dealer and body guard. Jared was scared; I could read it in his eyes as he entered our home, his already large eyes open wider, a quiver to his normally calm demeanor. There was a shutter to his voice as he explained to me who the men were and just what it was that they wanted. They wanted the money that they were owed and knowing that we didn’t have it to pay it, it seemed that they and Jared had worked out a compromise that involved me and one of the worst nights of my life. As the two men molested and humiliated me in ways I could have never fathomed Jared looked on, that unwavering love and trust that I felt for my friend beginning to crack and unravel with each indignity placed upon me. After they were done, I was left bleeding and hurting in more ways then one. Jared couldn’t even look at me as I struggled towards the bathroom intending to wash the filth and derogation from off of my used body. After an hour of constant scrubbing, still never feeling clean enough and with enough tears to fill the bathtub at my feet, I slumped out of the bathroom, hiding under the protection of my covers as I tried desperately to forget everything that had happened.

“Tomo…” I heard him whisper as he stood in the doorway of my room. I ignored him as I pulled the comforter and sheet further up my body, wanting to just burrow my way into their warmth and never come out again. I kept hoping that he would take the hint and leave me alone to wallow in my disgust for myself, but at the dipping of the bed, I knew that my night was far from over. “Tomo please talk to me” He spoke softly, lying beside me, but not touching me in any way, acting as if I was too filthy to even consider touching.

“Go away Jared” I held strong for a long as I could, hoping and praying that he would take my heed and yet again he didn’t.

They were going to hurt me Tomo…maybe even kill me” He went on, still not touching me, putting his dramatic acting skills into play. I wanted to kill Jared at the very moment, wanted to claw his very eyes out for the hurt and the pain he had caused me and yet I still clung to the bedding, closing my eyes and once again wishing that he would just disappear. “They saw you with me one night at a club and Frankie said that it was either pay him the money that I owed him or he wanted one night with you” He continued to tell the story that was making me sicker and sicker with each word spoken. I don’t know why he felt he had to explain the scenario, when all I wanted was to forget the dramatic and pain filled conclusion. I lost the contents of my stomach right there in that very bed I was trying to hide in, my shame sinking even lower as I began to sob and shake uncontrollably. I guess I must have passed out because when I woke up hours later I was lying in Jared’s bed, curled up within his arms.

I felt filthy and disgusting as I slipped quietly out of his bed, disappearing into the early morning hours in order to try and clear my head. I didn’t know where I was going as I walked down the empty streets of the town we lived in, my mind replaying that horrible incident over and over until I finally had to stop and vomit all over again. Wrapping my arms around myself I tried to ward off the physical pain those men had caused me, but it was the emotional pain from Jared that hurt more then anything else. After hours of walking I found myself in a shitty dive bar, ordering a drink I knew that I really couldn’t afford and yet I didn’t care. The drink burned as it went down my raw throat and yet it still didn’t compare to the pain within my heart. A second drink was ordered, downing it before the bartender could even place it on the bar in front of me. I was so conflicted, so confused, that I didn’t know what to do and then as the third drink passed my lips it all became so clear.

“Hello…” I heard a groggy voice speak into the phone as I stood outside the bar, leaning against the wall for support.

“Mom…I want to come home” I wailed, my ass meeting the ground as I realized just how much I loved and missed my family.

It didn’t take long before all the arrangements were made and I had a one way ticket on a bus booked home. I actually had a smile upon my face as I made my way back to my apartment, finding Jared sitting in the small living area with a look of utter misery, hurt and even anger flashing across his eyes. “Where the hell have you been?” He asked, rushing across the small space before pulling me into his arms. “I was fucking worried sick when I woke up and you weren’t anywhere to be found” He went on. “Tomo?” He questioned when I pushed him away, walking across the room in order to put some space between us.

“I’m going back home” I blurted out, feeling fifty percent lighter now that it was out in the open. Jared didn’t say anything for a long time as he just stared at me, mouth hanging open. “Don’t even try to stop me” I spoke up when he started walking towards me. I knew what he was about to do and knowing Jared I knew that if I allowed him to touch me that I would just give in.

“You’re not leaving Tomo” He spoke softly, turning to face me, tears glistening within his eyes. “You can’t”

“I am…” I replied, my voice quivering. “There’s already a ticket waiting for me at the bus station. My bus leaves today at noon”

“I said you’re not fucking leaving me” He cried out in full decibels, lunging across the room before grabbing onto me. “You’re being so selfish Tomo” He ground out, his eyes mean and accusing.

“I’m being…what?” I yelled, not caring that it was still very early in the morning and most of our neighbors were still asleep. “Oh my god…” My shocked cry echoed around us as I pulled my arm out of his grip, hauled back and punched the shit out of him. He landed on the floor with a loud thud, taking out a ratty looking end table as he did, but I didn’t care as I stood over him with fire in my heart and my mind. Tears were flowing down my face so fast and so hard that they fell to the floor at my feet making a dull sound due to the surrounding silence. “You fucking sold me for sex to your drug dealer Jared” I broke the silence, fighting the urge to beat him within an inch of his life as he continued to stare up at me through huge blue eyes. “I’ve done nothing but be there for you from the moment that we moved here. You have no idea the things I have done to make sure that you are happy…that you get the things that you need…that you want” I was crying so hard that it was becoming impossible to breath as I fell to the floor beside him, struggling for every breath I pulled into my body.

I was in his arms in a flash as he shifted beside me, speaking softly within my ear as he rubbed my back tenderly. I was having a full out panic attack, something that Jared was used to since we had been friends and somehow he always knew how to calm me. “Just breathe baby…breath” He whispered against my ear as I laid loosely within arms I used to crave to feel around me.

“How could you Jared?” I sobbed, once I was able to get control of myself. “How could you do that to me?” My voice was heavy and weak all rolled into one as he tightened the hold he had on me, his own body shaking and quivering from the sobs inhabiting his body.

“I was so scared Tomo” He rasped against my ear, holding me tighter. “They were going to kill me and I just panicked. I told them no at first…that I couldn’t do that to you but then they threatened me and…” He left that sentence open as I pushed him away before struggling to my feet because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that he felt that his life was more important then mine.

“If you so much as think about using another drug then I am gone for fucking good” I shouted at him, wincing in pain as I tried to get as far away from him as possible. “Stay the fuck away from me Jay…I mean it” I warned when he got up and tried to pull me back into his arms, placing butterfly kisses along my jaw line. I knew what he is thinking and it sickened me to know that he thought that by fucking me he could make all the pain and humiliation go away.

Our friendship was shaky to say the least for several months after that, Jared constantly trying to make things right in ways that only Jared could and I wanting nothing to do with him or those ways. Instead I focused more intently on finding him a fucking job because truth be told despite the fact that the money would have been nice, the idea of finding Jared something else to focus on was more important. I think that it was then that I stopped looking at him as my best friend and confidant, instead seeing him as only one thing, my employer. It was nearly a year before we were able to find Jared another film role and I knew from the first read that it was going to be amazing and just what he needed to catapult him into the Hollywood scene once again. It was an Indie film about a druggie and all the horrible things he had to do to survive his addiction. Sadly, this movie in a sense mirrored Jared’s life and I still think that part of the reason he did it was because of that. It was as if life was imitating art.

As expected the movie was a surprise hit that summer, only several months after it opened. Instantly Jared was hailed as a rising star once again, writers and directors willing to sell their soul to the devil in order to get him to star in their roles. The money started rolling in after that, the burden of living from day to day over, but not forgotten by me in any way. For the next year life was actually back to normal, or as normal as can be when it came to Jared Leto. The friendship that had been falling apart at the seams between the two of us was slowly but surely coming back together again. We were together nearly twenty-four hours a day, but I didn’t mind because Jared was happy and enjoying his life to the fullest, which in turn made my life happy. The fact of that matter was that when he was happy, so was I because then there wasn’t any drama going on that I had to try and find a magical way to fix or cure. It wasn’t long after, that Jared met and seemed to fall head over heels in love with a musician. On the outside Matt seemed like the perfect gentleman. He was polite and well respected by the media and his fans, but I got to know the true side of this man and as much as I tried to stop it, he quickly turned Jared into a lying and manipulative jerk and once again our friendship was thrown another hurdle.

The one good thing about Jared hooking up with Matt was the fact that I got to meet and befriend Matt’s own personal assistant, Tim. He was a god send in more ways then one and even thinking about it today I know that he is the one that kept me from losing my mind and my sanity during those tough times. He had grown up in Los Angeles and knew the ins and outs of the town that from time to time I thought would swallow me whole. The truth of the matter was that where Jared thrived in the nightlife, the drugs and the celebrity, I on the other hand pretty much hated it with a passion. Tim was amazing and wonderful all rolled into one and I had one of the biggest crushes ever on him. The problem was that I wasn’t even sure if he was gay, bi or straight and the fact also was that I hadn’t been with or even thought about being with another man since that night with Jared’s drug dealers. Tim and I became fast friends and I kept the part about me crushing on him to myself until one night at another club that Jared had drug us all to, did that change. “You look absolutely miserable…are you ok?” Tim asked over the loud music and the clubbers each trying to over talk each other.

“I’m fine…” I mumbled, knowing that he couldn’t hear me over the roar of the place, taking a sip of my beer as I scanned the crowd for Jared and Matt. I didn’t know where they had disappeared too and truth be known I didn’t care, because all I wanted to do was pack my shit up and leave and go home.

“Come on…” He spoke against my ear, taking my hand as he jerked me out of the booth we were sitting in. I didn’t put up any fight or protest when he led us to the middle of the dance floor, wrapping his arms around my neck while I stood there like a rooted tree. “You don’t want to dance with me?” He pouted, disappointment filling me as he removed his arms from around my neck, grabbing my own arms as he positioned them around his middle before placing them back where they were. “I’ve wanted to do something like this for a very long time” He whispered loudly against my ear and I couldn’t help but smile because I could feel him smile against it as well. I just went with the flow after that, the two of us dancing together on the dance floor without a care in the world. “You want to get out of here?” He asked a while later, taking my hand and leading me towards the exit before I could respond.

“What about Jared and Matt?’ I asked, winded, because he seemed in an all fired rush to get somewhere, I just didn’t know where.

“Jared and Matt left hours ago” He grinned down at me, pushing me backwards until I was pinned to the wall of the club. “Do you want to go back to my place?” He teased, tracing the tip of his finger across my chest. I couldn’t breath as he gazed at me with big beautiful eyes, my breath disappearing altogether when he leaned down and kissed me. Before I knew what was happening a cold chill ran across my lips as I opened the eyes I hadn’t even realized I had closed and found him looking quite upset before me. “Shit Tomo…I’m sorry” He spoke quickly. “I mean…I thought you were interested…thought you were giving me the signs and I totally misread it. Shit…can you forgive me?”

“Tim…I…I mean…” My words were a jumbled mess as I tried to explain to him that he had in no way misunderstood the signs because I was totally interested. “Shit…” I cried out in frustration when I still couldn’t seem to get my tongue to work, so I showed him in other ways that brought a smile to both of our face as I grabbed him by the neck and planted a nice wet one on him. The kiss was amazing as I wove my tongue inside his mouth exploring it in ways that I had only dreamed of.

“Guess I didn’t misread the signs after all” He laughed, smiling down at me in a way that caused me to blush like a school girl.

“No…” My simple statement because there wasn’t anything else I could say.

“My place?” I could see the hope and the want in his eyes and as much as it confused me that this hot man wanted me, I wanted him more and wasn’t willing to lose the opportunity to see where the night took us. Where the night took us was to his place, making out like horny teenagers on his couch for nearly an hour before he pulled back and just looked at me. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to kiss you like this” He smiled, causing me to blush just a bit more then before.

“Why?” I asked before I had the chance to stop it, the look on his face shocked at first.

“Because you’re fucking hot Tomo” He grinned, leaning forward and kissing me hungrily. “And you’re sweet and did I mention hot” He laughed, another kiss shared.

“I think Matt’s been working you too hard” I squirmed, trying to push him away because in truth it was getting to be a bit much. I wasn’t used to such kind words, only getting bitching and moaning about my lack of personality from Jared.

“You really don’t have any idea as to how hot you are…do you?” He asked, dumbfounded when I pushed him away and walked towards the other end of his apartment.

“Yeah…I have all sorts of men trying to beat down my door to get to me” I laughed, it sounding hollow and fake as I pretended to look at the knick knacks on his fireplace mantle.

“You could if that fucking prick Jared would let them” His words sounded resentful as I turned to face him, ready to defend my best friend and his obvious stupidity. I didn’t have the chance to say anything, hell I didn’t have the chance to do much of anything before I found myself wrapped within his arms once again, those amazing lips kissing me in a way that I had never been kissed before. “Come with me” He whispered against my ear, nipping at it playfully before taking my hand and leading me towards the hallway. I knew were we were going and as much as I wanted to make love to Tim that night, the closer me got to the bedroom, the more panicked I became. Everything after that became sort of a blur and before I knew it I was naked, with an equally naked Tim lying on top of me. I tried to enjoy myself and just go with the flow, but the more that he kissed me, the more that he touched me, the more I felt myself start to freak out. “Relax baby…” He whispered, kissing me with such sweetness that it brought tears to my eyes. I did as he asked and began to relax, but the minute that his hand touched my cock, images of a prior night assaulted me at full force. “Tomo…what the fuck” He cried out as I pushed him off of me, jumping off of the bed as I huddled in the corner like a scared animal. “Tomo…”

“Don’t touch me Tim…please” I shuddered, shivering so hard that I could barely breath, tears pouring down my face as I fought the urge to flee and never speak to him again.

“What did that mother fucker do to you?” I could hear the upset and concern in his voice and I fell apart even more, forgoing my earlier plea and lunging into his arms. He just held me after that, held me and rocked me until I couldn’t cry anymore and then with a gentleness that I had never experienced before, he picked me up and carried me to his bed. I didn’t say a word in protest as he laid me down, wrapping me in a cocoon of sheet and blankets before lying beside me. He didn’t try to touch me, but I could see it in his eyes how much he wanted too and oh how I wanted him to hold me.

“Hold me Tim” It was a plea and I hated myself for it, but none of that mattered as he scooted across the bed, taking me within his arms and just holding me as he waited for me to speak. “I was raped by two of his drug dealers…” I began some time later, telling him every brutal and gory detail, amazed at just how amazing it felt to not keep it bottled up inside any longer. I cried buckets that night and he never once lessoned his hold on me, I eventually falling asleep, feeling completely safe and secure for the first time in what felt like forever. I could have sworn I heard my cell phone go off sometime in the night, but he seemed distant and faint and I was to exhausted to care as I snuggled deeper into Tim’s chest and faded off to sleep once again.

I woke up the next morning a bit confused, almost panicking when I opened my eyes and found myself in a place I didn’t recognize. “Morning…” I heard a sleepy voice speak next to me, my heart jack hammering so hard within my chest and yet not out of fear anymore. “How are you feeling?” The voice asked and I could hear the concern in his voice as I laid on the pillow beside him, staring deeply into sleepy, beautiful eyes.

“I’m ok” I smiled, closing my eyes when he reached out and traced his fingers across my cheek. “Fuck…” I cried out in frustration at the vibrated ring I heard coming from across the room. “That will be Jared” I tried to play it off like it was nothing as I tried to get out of bed, Tim hindering my efforts.

“Leave it” He spoke softly, leaning forward and very carefully kissing me on the lips.

“I can’t” I replied, once again trying to pull myself out of bed in order to retrieve the annoying phone still ringing from across the room. “He’s my friend and he probably needs me” I tried to defend, jumping in shock at the outburst I heard coming from the normally calm man. Very quickly I jumped out of the bed, standing there fully nude before him unsure what I should do.

“He’s your friend? Are you fucking kidding me Tomo?” He roared, completely stunning me because this was so unlike the sunny disposition that I was used to. “If he was your friend he wouldn’t have allowed those men to do that to you and I’d bet money that he’s done other stuff to you as well” I found focus with the floor at that moment because he was right and I knew that if he looked into my eyes he would know it. “Tomo…please just listen to me” He said softer, walking across the room, taking my hand before leading me back to bed and as much as I wanted to fight him, I couldn’t because I really wanted to know what he was going to say. “I really like you and I don’t want to put even more pressure on you…but I think you like me too”

“I do like you” I replied softly, still staring at the floor because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do if I had to look at him. “It’s just…he’s been there for me since we were kids. It’s always been Tomo and Jared and…”

“I get it” He cut me off before I could finish, causing me to finally look at his face. “I get it and I can even understand that you have a loyalty to him…but my question is…does he return that same loyalty to you?”

I hesitated before I spoke, but if I really wanted to be honest with myself, I didn’t think that Jared was one tenth as loyal as I was to him. “Of course he is” I finally spoke up, staring him down as if to challenge him to say anything about it.

“I like you Tomo” He took a different turn, bringing the hands he still held within his own to his lips and kissing them tenderly. “And I want you to know that I will be there for you whenever you need me”

I really wanted to tell Tim at that moment in time that I was totally head over heels in love with him, but I held back. Instead I smiled at him, leaning forward and kissing him softly. We spent the rest of the day just lying in bed together, I, turning my phone off and hiding it under the bed before I fell back into his arms. We didn’t do much of anything except the occasional block of kissing, and it was nice, but what meant the most to me was that he just let me talk about everything that had been going on since I had moved to L.A. We eventually fell asleep, me sneaking away in the middle of that night knowing that once I got home there was going to be hell to pay by Jared. As expected Jared didn’t disappoint, Matt sitting off to the sidelines smirking at me as I got my head served to me on a platter. After I was fired and then re-hired, I slinked off to my room, hoping to just fall asleep and forget about the ugly scene, but once again Jared had other ideas.

My punishment it turned out was to go and score some drugs from Matt’s drug dealer, who was waiting for me at some club downtown. I protested of course, reminding Jared of my earlier threat of leaving if he started using drugs again, but that only made him angrier. He called me every name in the book, threatened to disown me and never speak to me again, before changing his tactics and once again promising that he wouldn’t use. He stated that he was doing this for Matt and as much as I knew he was lying, I found myself thirty minutes later downtown searching for that man. I found him just where Jared said he would be, trying to control the urge to flee because he looked so much like Jared’s old drug dealer that it scared me to death. I handed him the money, ignored the looks of leering that he sent my way, grabbed the packet and literally ran out the door. I didn’t really know what was happening, but not even five minutes later I was on the ground with a man practically lying on my back telling me that I was being arrest for the purchase of an illegal substance.

I was scared shitless as I was thrown into a cop car and driven downtown to the precinct. I couldn’t stop that shivers that invaded my entire body as I was fingerprinted and then thrown into the slammer, frighten and scared to death and wishing for Jared so badly that I could hardly breath. It was several hours before anyone called on me so I could place my one phone call and by then I was a near nervous wreck. The first person I called was Jared because he was the reason that I was in that mess in the first place. I fully expected him to be worried about me, rushing down to save me from the other jailed people glaring at me as if I was fresh meat and I guess in a way I was. However, what I got was the complete opposite.

“Hello…” He barked into the phone as I shivered in total fear on the other end that he might not answer.

“Jared…it’s Tomo” I nearly cried in relief, keeping it to myself at the annoyed look I received from the officer standing off to the side of that room

“Where the fuck are you? You left almost three hours ago. Matt’s about to lose it if he doesn’t get his shit soon” He ranted and raved, not giving me a chance to speak, my heart diving into my stomach because I knew this wasn’t going to end well.

“Jared…I’ve been arrested” I cut him off, taking a deep breath as I waited for him to respond.

“You’ve been what? Jesus fucking Christ…can’t you do anything right. Now what the hell are we going to do?” He roared in my ear and I could tell that he could have cared less about the fact that I was rotting in jail, when all he cared about was his precious Matt and his drugs.

“Jared please…I need you to come and bail me out” I cut him off again because I knew my phone time was getting short.

“Bail you out…are you insane?” He bellowed, as I closed my eyes and waited for what I knew was already to come. “I can’t come and bail you out. How would it look for a star like me to be caught bailing you out of jail?”

“Jared please” I sobbed, not caring that I was a grown man, blubbering like a scared kid, because that is what I felt like.

“Ask for a public defender and they can take care of everything. I’m really disappointed in you Tomo” Were the last words that I heard him speak before the line went dead. Again, I didn’t try to hide my tears as I placed the phone back on the cradle, the officer leading me back to the cell it seemed was going to be my new home for god knew how long.

“You…wake up” I heard someone scream into my cell the next morning, the same officer from the phone call earlier that night standing there. “You’ve been released” Three words that never sounded so sweet as I ran as fast as I could out of the cell and into another room, where I expected to find Jared waiting for me. Instead, there was Tim looking frazzled and full of concern once he laid his eyes upon me.

“Are you ok?” He cried out, checking me out from head to foot with worried eyes. I wanted to fall at his feet and kiss them hundreds upon hundreds of times, but instead I just locked eyes upon his and nodded an affirmative reply. All my belongings were handed back to me and without another word; Tim led me out of the station. I didn’t lose it until we were inside the car; thankfully Tim suspected my oncoming breakdown as he climbed into the driver’s seat, leaned over and pulled me into his arms. “It’s ok” He soothed and as much as I knew he was trying to help, those words did the complete opposite as I pushed him away and stared out the window. He didn’t say anything the entire trip to his apartment and as much as I wanted to thank him for everything, I remained silent. “Why don’t you go and lie down for a while” He told me as we entered his apartment, leading me down the hallway until we are at his room. “Give me your phone” He demands gently as he put his hand out in wait of it.

“Ok…” I replied softly, taking it out of my pocket before placing it in his hand. I worried about Jared for about half a second before I moved past it and fell into Tim’s warm and loving arms. “Thank you so much Tim” I sniffled, closing my eyes and relishing the warmth and the closeness that only Tim seemed to have for me. “I don’t know how you found out…but thank you so much” I leaned back, kissing him soundly before heading into his darkened bedroom. Jared was the last thing on my mind as I locked eyes with Tim briefly from across the room, smiling when he blew me a kiss before leaving me alone. I hadn’t realized how exhausted I was until I closed my eyes and fell asleep immediately.

“You hungry?” He smiled at me as I stumbled into the kitchen several hours later, the smell of something delicious drawing me closer.

“Starving” I smiled back, sitting on a stool at the bar, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

I watched as he flittered around the kitchen, piling a plate with some sort of pasta dish before placing it in front of me. “Eat” He pointed to the plate, getting his own plate before sitting down beside me.

We ate in silence for a while until the need to know how Tim knew I had been arrested consumed me. “How did you know?” I asked between mouthfuls of the yummy meal.

“Matt told me this morning. He had a morning session with the band and he thought it was the funniest thing that Jared wouldn’t go down there and bail you out because of his precious reputation. I could hear the anger and the resentment in his voice at those last words and for reasons I didn’t understand…it made my stomach flutter. “I excused myself as fast as I could. I’m just sorry it took so fucking long”

“Are you kidding me Tim” I cried out, dropping my fork onto my near empty plate as I turned to face him. “Thank you…thank you for everything. You’ve been amazing and wonderful and…” I didn’t have the words to express how much I loved that man for being there for me. “Just…thank you” I smiled, my eyes watery at the overflow of emotions that were messing with me.

“I would do anything for you Tomo” He spoke softly as he reached out and cupped my face gently. “Don’t you get it yet? I care for you and I’d like to be there for you in any way that you’d allow me”

“Like being my boyfriend?” I grinned, it widening even more at the blush that raged across his handsome face. I didn’t know where my bravery was coming from, but it was there and I was going to use it to my full advantage.

“If you want that” He smiled shyly, a look of such hope in his eyes that I couldn’t torture him any more.

“I want that” I replied with a flounce, leaning forward and wrapping my arms around his neck. “I really want that” I repeated, kissing him softly as if to prove my point. It was four days before I went home to Jared and as happy as I had been in those four days, it all turned to shit the moment that I walked in the apartment door.

“Where the fuck have you been?” I heard him scream across the room as I turned and found him lying on the floor looking as if he had seen better days.

“Like you’d fucking care” I spat, trying to run to the safety of my room, but he was quicker as he flew off of the floor, knocking the two of us back onto it with the brunt of his weight. “You left me in jail to rot you mother fucker” I pushed him away when he tried to pull me into his arms. I fought him tooth and nail, managing to push him away as I pulled myself upwards and prepared to leave once again. “How could you Jared?” I screamed, turning back to face him. “How could you put your fucking career over our friendship? If that would have been you I would have been down there in a heartbeat…worried to death that something might have happened to you. Instead…you just left me there to rot”

“I know and I’m sorry Tomo” He sobbed, pulling his knees into his chest, huge crocodile tears running down his face. “I’m a shit friend and I always have been. I’m just so fucking sorry” I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but again I gave in as I walked over towards him, grabbing his hand before jerking him onto his feet.

“Go take a shower and I will make something for you to eat” I pushed him towards the bathroom, trudging my way into the kitchen, my shoulders once again feeling as if I had the weight of the world upon them. Not another word was spoken once he entered the kitchen several moments later. We ate in silence as I pulled up his appointments for the next day as if nothing had happened between us.

We fell back into our regular pattern after that, but the difference was that that time I had a wonderful boyfriend to boot. Tim was so amazing and I couldn’t believe my lucky stars that I had found someone like him in all the craziness constantly surrounding me. He was kind and patient and there was no denying that the man loved me just as much as I loved him. The first time that we made love; I was so fucking scared after what had happened with Jared’s drug dealers. But he was so gentle, so patient that he made it such a wonderful experience and before I knew it the memories of that horrible night started to just fade away. Jared of course was jealous beyond belief, but as long as he had Matt as a distraction it was something that I could tolerate. The problem was that as expected Jared got bored and started cheating on him with every and any man that looked his way and before I knew it Matt dumped his ass and I was left once again to pick up the pieces of his fucked up life. It was then that he started demanding more and more of my time and slowly but surely the relationship that I had with Tim started to darken.

The beginning of the end came one night as Tim and I made love in his apartment after an extremely long day of dealing with Jared and all the shit that came along with him. I went over to his place first, finding a romantic dinner setting and a boyfriend that just couldn’t stop smiling. “What’s all this?” I asked with my own smile, so fucking happy that I still couldn’t believe that any of it was real.

“What? I can’t cook a nice meal for the man that I love?” He teased, wrapping his lanky frame around my body as he kissed me thoroughly.

“Well the man that you love appreciates that” I giggled, winded, once he released my lips. “And I love you too” I added, because I meant every bit of those three words. I still couldn’t believe that Tim loved me as much as he did, but I relished and held onto them each and every time he said those words to me.

“Go on…open the wine and I’ll get dinner” He kissed me again before racing into the kitchen. Humming a happy tune, I did as he asked, opening and pouring the wine, taking my place at the table. We exchanged small talk while eating, Tim still grinning at me like the cat that ate the canary the entire time. We cleaned up the dishes together, avoiding the topic of Jared and my job because it was something that neither one of us wanted to talk about. Afterwards we just went to bed, just wanting to get naked and feel each others bodies pressed next to each other. “How much do you love me?” He asked, that same smile from before bearing down on me.

“Hmmm…let me think about it for a minute” I laughed, pushing away in pretend annoyance before pulling him back against me once again. “You know that I love you more then anything” I shared a truth with him as I kissed him as if to prove my point.

“Do you love me enough to go away with me for a weekend?” He asked, his smile disappearing as he waited for me to respond.

“Where?” I asked, my mind automatically turning to Jared and how I would have to approach this subject without pissing him off too much.

“My parent’s thirtieth wedding anniversary is in two weeks and they invited me and a guest” He said quickly, getting up and sitting off to the side of the bed. “I mean…I know that you probably think that it’s too soon to meet my parents…but they know all about you and I really want you to meet them” He was talking so fast and I could tell that he was really nervous and as much as I wanted to tease him, I couldn’t.

“I’d love to go” I replied, sitting beside him, arms wrapped around his middle as I laid my head upon his shoulder. We sat in silence for a while, just holding each other, both of us lost in thought. “Do you think that they will like me” I broke it, because as much as I wanted to spend time with Tim away from his apartment, I was terrified at the idea of meeting his family. I knew how much Tim loved his family and just how much they meant to him and as much as I liked to think I was an ok guy and his parents would love me, my self esteem said otherwise.

“Are you kidding me” Tim laughed, catching me off guard as he pushed me onto my back, leaning over top of me. “My mother is dying to meet the man that’s captured her son’s heart” I couldn’t help but kiss him that time because those simple words brought such happiness to my own heart as well as tears to my eyes.

“I love you so much Tim” I sniffled, pulling away from our kisses in order to look at him. “I just love you so fucking much and I can’t even begin to tell you how happy you make me”

“Hey…none of these. What’s with the tears baby…this is supposed to be a happy moment” He wiped the tears from my eyes, kissing each side of my cheek tenderly.

“It’s just that I never thought that I would be this happy…never thought that someone as wonderful as you would want to be with me. I don’t deserve it” I tried to hide my face by turning my head, but he wasn’t having any of it as he forced me to look at him, nothing but love and determination looking back at me as he leaned down and kissed me once again.

“You deserve everything wonderful that life has to offer…do you hear me?” He locked my face within his hands, ensuring that I couldn’t look away. “You are beautiful and amazing and I am the one lucky enough to have captured you. I knew that you were special from the first moment I looked at you and you have no idea how much I wanted you” He blushed a little, looking at my heaving chest for a moment before locking eyes with mine once again. “Tomo…I love you more then I have ever loved anyone in my life. You have to believe what I am saying to you and stop letting Jared Fucking Leto tell you differently” Anger rolled across his face as he fell beside me, lying on his side as he continued to stare me straight in the eye. “You’ve always been in his shadow and he loves it. You do all the work and he gets all the glory and what do you fucking have to show for it…pain and heartache”

“Tim…please” I begged, not wanting to go into another hateful discussion of how horrible Jared treated me. The fact of that matter was that I knew that he did, but I was still loyal to the man that I thought of as my friend. Stupid fool that I was.

“I know and I’m sorry” He thankfully relented, snaking his arm across my waist as he pulled me tightly against his body. “I just love you and I hate it when he does and says things that hurt you” He was speaking the truth; I knew that he was, and yet I said nothing. Instead I leaned in and kissed him hungrily, letting him know rather quickly what I wanted to do instead.

I didn’t tell Jared until the week before we were supposed to leave and as expected he was not happy about it. In fact he cursed me a blue streak, fired me and then rehired me for like the hundredth time since we had started this, before storming off and getting shit faced drunk. Tim was less then pleased when I had to call and cancel our date in order to take care of Jared’s drunken ass. I was so upset once I had got him settled for the night, my mind conflicted and confused as to what I should do about the upcoming trip. Tim surprised me a few hours later, taking me into his arms and holding me until I knew what I had to do. He made love to me that night for the very first time in my own bed, holding me close afterwards as we fell asleep. We were still sleeping the next morning when Jared stormed into my room, still looking half drunk, exploding in anger when he tried to crawl into bed with me and found Tim lying there beside me. I had never in all the years that I had known him seen him go off like he did that morning. Half of what he said made no sense, but I got the point when he tried to forcefully drag Tim out of my room. Totally chaos happened after that as I tried to keep both of them away from each other before either got hurt or blood was shed. I managed to keep them safe, but a wild throw from someone caught me unsuspecting and before I knew it I was flying backwards, my head hitting something hard and then everything went dark. I woke up sometime later, with a throbbing headache and the two men that meant the most to me pacing in front of my bed.

“Fuck…” I moaned, sitting up, the back of my head hurting like hell.

“Baby…you ok?” Tim was at my side in a flash, holding my hand as he sat down beside me.

“My fucking head hurts” I barked, pulling my hands out of his as I touched the tender skin. “What the hell happened?”

“He punched you” They both cried out, my head pounding as the loudness ricocheted around the small room.

“I didn’t punch you…he fucking did” Tim growled at Jared.

“The fuck I did…you did it mother fucker” Jared returned evilly, seeming a bit sober as he stepped closer as if to hit Tim.

“Knock if off both of you” I spoke up, wincing in pain as I got up and stumbled into the bathroom in search of some pain relief.

“Do you want me to take you to the hospital baby? You’ve had a pretty nasty fall” Tim asked me as I walked back into the room after taking several pain tablets.

“Stop calling him that” Jared cut me off before I could answer, the anger in his eyes flashing dangerously.

“Why…he’s my fucking boyfriend. I can call him what I want. Jealous?” Tim snided, reaching out and taking my hand into his as he led me back towards the bed. I was tired and more then a little fed up with the both of them as I moved away from Tim and began to prepare for my day. I ignored the look of hurt that I received from him, alerting Jared to the fact that he had a reading for his new movie in a few hours and that he needed to go get ready. I could tell that he wanted to say something, but thankfully he didn’t as he nodded in reply before taking his leave. “Tomo?” I heard Tim speak my name carefully behind me.

“I’m ok” I lied, turning to face him with a fake smile, taking his outstretched hand as he led me back beside him. “I love you Tim” I smiled for real at those words, because at least they were true.

“I love you too” He smiled, kissing me hungrily before trying to lie me across the bed.

“I can’t” I tried to push him away, but he just continued kissing and torturing me. “Tim…I have to go” I laughed when his hands roamed up my sides, knowing how ticklish I was there. “Oh man…” That laugh turned into a moan at the warm tongue tracing its way across my stomach as he lifted my shirt up and began to torture me in a different kind of way.

“Just a few more minutes” He murmured against my skin, sending a wonderful tingling sensation throughout my body. I couldn’t say anything else as his hands moved from my shirt, unbuttoning the jeans I had just put on. “Mmmm…baby…you’re so hard for your Timmy” Baby talk, something that I loved to hear and to hear it from Tim was just fucking mind blowing. My jeans were gone in a flash, my underwear too as he nuzzled my dick with his nose. “Smells so sweet” He moaned, his hands running across my backside, pulling me closer. “Tastes so good” He teased me some more, his tongue tracing up and over my member before sitting back and looking up at me with a smirk on his face. “You want more baby?” He grinned even larger, chuckling around my dick after I had grabbed onto his neck and showed him how much more I wanted.

“God…I love you Tim” I cried out, coming rather quickly due to our rushed time span. “I love you so fucking much” I repeated once I was safely back within the constraints of my jeans. I held onto him tightly after he stood up, arms wrapped around me just as tightly.

“I love you too Tomo and I always will” He shifted back as he looked down at me. “I mean that”

I went to answer him, but Jared’s bellow of anger and impatience erupted at that time and we were forced to leave it for the moment. Jared was a pissy bitch the entire day, biting and snapping at everyone that even looked at him funny. I, on the other hand ignored his rudeness, instead focusing on the words of love that Tim had declared to me quite openly that morning. Afterwards on our drive home, Jared rather abruptly tried and almost succeeded in bursting my happy bubble. “I want you to end this thing with Tim” He ground out, breaking the silence that surrounded us.

I was stunned for a moment until I got my wits about me. “No” I said plainly, checking his calendar for the next day. “You have an interview with Wake up L.A. first thing in the morning and then there is a photo shoot right afterwards. Then we have to pick up your brother at the airport and then…”

“I said I want you to end things with Tim” He cut me off, grabbing my organizer and tossing it across the seat. “This is not up for debate Tomo. He’s distracting you from your job and now that word is starting to spread about my acting skills I can’t let it just fall because you want a fucking fling with Timmy boy. I need you alert and ready for my call twenty four hours a day…seven days a week”

“He not a fling you ass” I cried out, resisting the urge to punch him in the face. “Tim is my boyfriend and trust me Jared I can’t not be at your beck and call twenty-four seven” I reminded, reaching over and plucking my organizer from where he had thrown it.

“End it or you are fired” He warned. “I mean it Tomo”

“Fine Jared…then fucking fire me because no matter how much you threaten me…I won’t end things with Tim. I love him Jared…can’t you understand that” He looked shocked at my words, but then that shock turned into anger and once again I found my organizer being jerked away from me.

“End it”

“No…”

“I said fucking end it” He screamed, grabbing onto my arm and wrestling me onto my back. I tried to fight him, but he somehow had the upper hand and before I could protest anymore I was pinned under him. “You belong to me…you’re mine” He growled in a deadly voice before kissing me hard enough to draw blood as he fought like hell to undo the zipper of my jeans. I knew what was about to happen next as I fought him tooth and nail, fully wedging my knee into his groin, hard enough for him to jerk back and me to pull myself upright. “Stop the car” I ordered the driver as Jared writhed in pain next to me. “I said stop the fucking car” I yelled, jumping out of the car the moment that he had. “Don’t worry about fucking firing me Jared” I screamed at him, so angry that once again he thought of me as a possession and not his best friend. “Because I quit” Picking up the discarded organizer, I threw it so hard that it ricocheted off of his chest and landed on the floor. Slamming the door loudly, I turned around to figure out where I was, not caring as I ran down some busy street hurt and confused and needing Tim so badly that I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my face.

I tried desperately to find a place to use a phone, but in my state was turned away each time. Eventually once I got my wits about me I hailed a cab, trying not to cry any longer as I stared out the window and once again tried to figure out when my life got so twisted and turned around. “Tomo?” Tim cried out as he opened the door of his apartment, finding his mess of a boyfriend standing there. “What the fuck happened?” He asked as he ushered me in, but I couldn’t answer him as I fell into his arms and cried out my broken heart.

“It’s over” I hiccupped a while later, the two of us lying in bed, white he held onto me tightly. “He told me to end things with you and when I wouldn’t he…” I didn’t finish that sentence, curling even closer into Tim as the idea of what could of and what would have happened hit me again.

“I’m going to kill that mother fucker” Tim cried out, kissing my forehead when I jumped at the harshness. “Sorry baby” He kissed it again, his grip on my tightening.

“Tim…please just leave it alone. Promise me that you won’t go after Jared. It’s over and now it’s time for me to move on” I stared into his eyes, hoping that he could see how serious I was about my words. I could see that it was killing him, but he agreed, sealing it with a gentle kiss on the lips. “I have so much to do” I tried to sit up, he making sure that I didn’t get the chance as he snuggled closer. “I have to find a new job and a place to live and…”

“You can live here” He blurted out, my eyes getting wide.

“Tim…no I can’t impose on you”

“Impose…Tomo I love you and I’ve been actually thinking about asking you to move in with me…but with you being at Leto’s beck and call all hours of the day and night I was afraid to ask”

“It’s too soon…isn’t it?”

“We love each other Tomo so it’s not too soon”

I wanted to say no, because something told me that my time with Jared was far from over and I knew that it would cause problems between Tim and I, but I loved Tim so much and that idea of being with him all the time won over hands down. “Yes…” I smiled at him.

“Yes…” He repeated with his own smile upon his face.

“Yes…” I said again, giggling like a loon when he rolled on top of my body, leaving no doubt as to what was to happen next.

The morning we were supposed to leave for our trip to see his parents, someone unexpected showed up at our door. “He’s in the hospital” Shannon said, looking exhausted as I ushered him into the living room, indicating for him to sit down. “He’s been drinking himself stupid since you left and last night he decided to take on a man at some club that out weighed him by at least one hundred pounds”

“Oh my god” I cried out, already worried beyond belief about the man who was constantly fucking with my life.

“He got the shit beat out of him pretty good” Shannon went on. “Two black eyes…broken nose and a broken leg. He’s been asking for you since he woke up and…”

“And nothing” Tim spoke up behind us. “Tomo doesn’t work for him any longer. So you go and tell your brother to go to hell and leave him alone” I could hear the anger behind his words and I knew he was saying them for my own good, but at the same time they made me mad because no matter what Jared had put me through he was still someone that I loved dearly.

“Tim…” I said his name with an edge to my voice.

“No Tomo…I don’t care” He cried out, coming around to face me. “This is what he does. He does horrible shit to you and you leave him and then he does something to make you feel guilty…something that makes you come crawling back to him every time. You need to stand strong this time…don’t you remember all the other shit that he did to you? You’re not going Tomo and that’s final” He crossed his arms over his chest, looking pissed and determined all rolled into one.

“Would you excuse us Shannon” I said as I forced a smile upon my face, grabbing Tim’s arm and practically dragging him into the bedroom. “He needs me” I ground out, jumping back when Tim jerked his arm out of my grip, turning to face me so quickly that I thought for a second that he was going to hit me.

“He’s always going to fucking need you Tomo” He screamed, not even trying to hide his anger from me and that man sitting in the other room. “He’s so fucking dependant on you and you on him that it’s sickening”

“I’m not dependant on him” I snapped back.

“Really? Prove it then” He returned. “Let’s pack up the car and go. Tell Shannon that you send Jared your best…but for once in your life don’t be at his beck and call” The anger in his voice was starting to die down as he pulled me into his arms and held me. “For once Tomo…put me ahead of Jared” He all but whispered against my ear and it broke my heart at just how sad he sounded.

“Tim please…just a few minutes. Let me just go in and see him and then we can leave…please” I begged again, feeling his shoulders slump, his hold lessen as he stepped back and looked at me in a way that I didn’t understand.

“Sure Tomo…ok” He nodded, stepping out of the room and leaving me alone and confused as to what that look meant. He didn’t say a word the entire drive to the hospital, as I sat beside him in my own silent world, Shannon in the back. “Give us a few minutes Shannon” He spoke through the rear view mirror, watching as he left the car and us alone. “Just promise me something Tomo” He turned his focus towards me. “Promise me that no matter what he says that you won’t go back to him. Promise me that no matter how much he begs and pleads and tells you how much you mean to him…that you won’t give in and fall back into your old fucked up pattern”

“I promise” I said the words he needed to hear, holding on for dear life when he hugged me before exiting the car. We walked in silence into the hospital, Shannon waiting for us at the elevators so he could take us to his room. My heart fell into my stomach as we entered the private room, Jared looking timid and broken as he laid in the large hospital bed.

“I’m so sorry Tomo” He cried out the moment that he laid eyes upon me, arms out stretched as I rushed into them without question or thought. “I’m so sorry” He murmured again. “I didn’t mean what I said…what I did” Tears rolled heavily down his cheeks as he continued to hold onto me as if for dear life, Tim’s words filtering though my head. “Please forgive me. I need you so much Tomo…so much” The tears continued, my heart breaking at the sadness and truth there, my resolve weakening before he even said the words I knew were to come next. “Come back to me Tomo…please. Promise that you’ll come back to me because I need you more then anyone in my life” “Promise me…”

“I promise” I uttered the words, closing my eyes at the intake of breath I heard behind us. I didn’t have to look to know that it was from Tim as I slowly turned my head and found him gaping at me, his eyes full of hurt and anger. “Tim…” I cried out, running after him as he rushed out of the room. “Tim wait…please”

“You promised” He turned to face me so quickly that I ran right into him, nearly knocking the two of us to the floor. “You promised me that you weren’t going to give into him” There were tears glistening within his eyes and I knew that I had really fucked up good with the man that I loved that time. “You promised that for once you were going to put me above him”

“I know…but he needs me and he’s so scared and lost” I tried to defend, but Tim wasn’t having it and I couldn’t blame him.

“He needs you? What about what I need?” He yelled, ignoring the shushing and looks of warning he was getting from a gaggle of nurses at the nurses station. “Tomo I love you and I want to make of go of this…but I can’t do that if Jared Leto is in the picture. You need to make a decision…it’s either him or me”

I was shocked at his words but then at the same time I knew that Tim deserved someone who could love him wholly and unconditionally. “Tim…I love you both. Don’t make me choose between the two of you” I tried, despite the fact that I knew the effect those words were going to have.

“Seems you already have” He replied coldly.

“Tim…no” I cried out, grabbing onto his arm when he tried to walk away. “I didn’t make any decision. I love you. You know that I love you but…”

“But you love him too. I get it” He finished for me. “I just wish that I knew what hold this man has over you and I am sad for you because you will never have a normal relationship as long as he’s in your life”

“Tim please…” I tried again, tears blazing down my face as he pushed my hands away yet again. “Don’t do this”

“I love you so much Tomo…but I can’t keep living in his shadow. I won’t keep living in his shadow” He corrected himself, rushing forward and hugging me quickly before turning back and running down the hallway. I knew in that very moment of time that my relationship with Tim was over for good.

Jared was in the hospital for another week before he was released and as expected everything went back to the way things had been before. Shannon had decided to stay with us for as long as Jared was recovering and I had to admit that it was nice to have someone else around to help with the demanding diva. It was strange having Shannon around as well because when I was growing up he had been my first boy crush. He had been popular and athletic and had the entire student body bowing at his feet. He was never ugly to me like most of the jerks at our old high school, but he always made it clear that I was just the annoying best friend to his little brother and pretty much didn’t give me the time of day.

Six weeks after his release from the hospital Jared’s cast was removed from his leg and instead of following the doctor’s instructions and taking it easy, he opted to head out to a club with a few of the nurses that had been taking care of him, leaving Shannon and I alone for the night. “Would you listen to that” Shannon said as we sat on the couch, drinking a few beers.

“What?” I asked, taking a sip from my bottle, already knowing where he was heading.

“Silence” He closed his eyes and sighed. “No drama princesses screaming and bitching about everything”

I couldn’t help but laugh because it was the god’s honest truth. “It is nice” I smiled, reclining back with my own sigh. “What?” I asked when I turned my head and found Shannon looking at me.

“Nothing…” He blurted out, turning to look at the blank screen of the TV in front of us.

“You hungry?” I asked, trying to fill the uncomfortable void that seemed to surround us.

“Sure…I could eat” he grinned, jumping off of the couch so fast that he nearly lost his balance. “Come on…I’ll cook”

“You…” I cried out after him because the Shannon I knew from high school didn’t even know what a stove was much less how to use it. “Since when do you cook?”

“I had to learn or starve” He replied, his head lost in the fridge as he tossed multiple items over his shoulder.

“I remember that you had ever restaurant on speed dial” I laughed, ducking the lettuce leaf he tossed my way. “What…it’s true and you know it. You worked to keep your belly full”

“I did…but then again my mother was never really Betty Crocker was she?” He grinned, going back to what he was doing.

“No…now that you mention it” I recalled their carefree hippy mother, who spent more time out of the house doing god knew what, leaving her boys to fend for themselves. “I think that if I hadn’t been around to make sure Jared ate…he’d probably had starved to death” I was somber for a moment remembering how much Jared loved his mother and how abandoned he felt when she was never there for him.

“What she up to now?” I asked, shaking away the gloomy reminders of Jared’s past.

“She’s remarried now…that’s about all I can tell you” Shannon said, leaving no doubt in my mind that he didn’t want to talk about that line of conversation any longer. Instead he told me about what he had been doing with his life. He had gone to college right after high school with huge plans of becoming a professional football player, but he quickly learned that it just wasn’t in the cards when six months later, he blew out his knee and fucked up his chances of every making a major league team, much less a minor one. He told me how he had to reevaluate his life, deciding that college wasn’t for him before dropping out and going back home for a while. He lived with his mother for a short time before getting a job in a photography studio, moving into a small room above the shop quickly learning his new trade. “I own the studio now and it’s doing quite well” He smiled, placing an overly flowing plate in front of me. “The old man that owned it passed away and left it to me”

I watched as a dark cloud crossed over his face, his eyes getting a misty look to them. “Shannon…you ok?” I asked, placing my hand upon his in a hope of comfort.

“It’s been six months and it still hurts as much as it did the day I found him” He sniffled, looking over at me.

“You were close?” I asked the obvious because I could tell the effect it was having on him.

“He taught me things about myself that I didn’t think would ever see the light of day” He smiled, placing his other hand upon mine. “We were lovers for only a short time…but it was amazing and wonder” He chuckled as I continued to sit there, my mouth opening and closing with no sounds coming out of it. “Stunned you did I?” He laughed, removing his hands before wiping at his eyes. “Eat” I was too stunned to do anything other then what he said as I finished the plate he had put in front of me, following him into the living room once we were done. We sat in silence for a bit, he drinking a beer, while I tried to figure out if he was pulling my leg or not. “I used to have the biggest crush on you” He broke the silence, laughing as I choked on the swallow of beer I had taken that exact moment to take from my own bottle.

“Wh…what?” I stammered, knowing that I had heard him wrong.

“I was always impressed by the fact that no matter what people said to you or how they treated you…you always remained true to yourself” He said, looking at me with a serious look upon his face. “I could never do that in high school”

“I really didn’t have much of a choice” I finally found the words to speak. “It wouldn’t have mattered anyway because no matter what, people always looked at me like a freak” I sighed, remembering some of the pain and the heartache I dealt with growing up.

“Well I for one am glad that you didn’t. You may have been a skinny little freak…but I liked that about you” He was smiling once again, enjoying my discomfort a little too much for my liking.

“So you’re gay now?” I asked, not even trying to beat around the bush.

“No…not just now” He spoke softly. “I’ve always been gay…just never had the balls to admit it. Working for James changed that all for me” The smile disappeared, a far away look gracing his face. “He somehow convinced me that it was ok to be gay and that my world wouldn’t end if people actually knew about it. I don’t know why he even put up with me at the beginning because the first time that he kissed me, I punched him out”

“You didn’t?”

“I did” He smiled sadly once again. “I still don’t know how he knew that I was gay…but he did and he was determined to bring it all to the surface. I didn’t speak to him for days and then one night I showed up at his door and it just went from there”

“How old was he?” I asked, hating to hurt Shannon with the past but dying from fascination.

“I think he was pushing into his early fifties…but that didn’t slow him down one bit. We became lovers that night and we were together up until I found him dead six months later”

“Oh Shannon…” I found myself sniffling as I leaned forward and took his hand as I had before.

“I found him after closing one night. He was just lying there and as much as I tried to revive him before the paramedics got there…nothing worked. I found out much later that he had had a heart attack. I still wonder if I had been there would I have been able to save him”

“Shannon…it was his time” I replied in a near whisper, my heart breaking for the man before me. “I thoroughly believe that our lives and our deaths are predestined. It was his time no matter if you had been there or not” I hugged him, closing my eyes as I held him close. “It will get easier…you just have to give yourself time” I spoke against his ear, wiping at his tearful face once he pulled out of my embrace.

“What about you Tomo? Have you ever found love?” He asked, sitting back and waiting for me to respond.

“I did…” I smiled briefly, the pain of losing Tim hitting me all over again.

“Why did you let him go?” He knew who I was talking about already.

“Jared needed me” Was my automatic response and yet I didn’t even know if those words were true any longer.

“Do you love him?”

“Who…Jared?”

“Yeah”

“I loved him a long time ago…now it’s just…it’s just….” I had to no idea how to finish that sentence.

“I never understood what the two of you had in common…but I was jealous on more then one occasion at just how special the relationship between the two of you was. It’s different now isn’t it?”

“Completely different” I responded, picking up a throw pillow and playing with the fringe around it. “Most days I feel as if I am only his employee and then some days he’s the Jared that I loved from the past. The problem is that I don’t see that Jared very much anymore” I sighed, actually glad that I had Shannon to talk to about Jared because when I was with Tim he never wanted to hear about anything pertaining to Jared and our fucked up relationship.

“I love my brother…but he’s just so fucking needy and I know that this probably means nothing…but I am so glad that he has you in his life. I know that you’re the one that keeps him from getting to full of himself and keeps him out of trouble”

“Thanks” Was all I could think to say.

“Can I tell you something and you have to promise that you won’t repeat this to Jared”

“Sure…”

“I think that the reason that my mother was never around much was because of Jared” He shocked me with his words, but the more I thought about them, the more it seemed they could actually be true. “He was just such a needy kid. He always wanted all of the attention and all of everyone’s time. I remember how frustrated she used to get when Jared was unhappy…despite the fact that she did everything that she could. I’ve never told him this and I really don’t blame him…but I’ve always thought that”

“He is a handful most times” I replied, leaning back against the couch, staring at Shannon. “So…” I said with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. “You used to have a crush on me huh?” I laughed at the embarrassed blush that raced across his face, thinking to myself just how fucking cute it made him. “Promise you won’t laugh at me” I blushed myself, not believing that I was about to tell him what I did. “But when we were in school…I used to have the biggest crush on you too. In fact I used to drag Jared to every one of your games just so I could watch you get all sweaty and wet” I blushed even more. “I even stole on of your jerseys out of your room one night when you were out with your friends…and I still have it” I hesitated at the end, putting my beer down because I felt that I had had enough.

“Show me…” He grinned, pulling me off of the couch, walking behind me as I made my way into my bedroom. “Man…I can’t believe I am showing you this” I giggled, pulling out the shirt and showing it to him.

“That was my favorite shirt” He grinned evilly, ripping it from my grasp as he held it in front of his chest. “I blamed Jared for it for years” I watched as he jerked the shirt he was wearing off, replacing it with his older one. “It still fits” He beamed at me, my mouth watering as I fell back to a time many years before that night when I was love struck with the man standing before me.

“You look exactly the same” I replied, not even realizing I had reached out and was running my hand over his muscular chest.

“Just a bit older” I heard him say as he took hold of my hand. “And a bit braver” Tugging me forward until we were pressed close together. I didn’t hesitate for a second when he leaned forward and kissed me because I wanted it just as badly as he did.

“Holy shit…that was better then I could have ever imagined it to be” I exclaimed, sweaty and near exhaustion nearly two hours later after Shannon had nearly fucked me through the mattress.

“Oh yeah…” Shannon concurred with a laugh as he laid beside me. “I can’t believe that I have to leave tomorrow” He sighed, rolling onto his side as he looked at me. “Think of all the fun we could have if I was to stay”

“Well maybe I could somehow convince you to stay” I nuzzled his cheek with my nose before kissing his deeply.

“Fuck…I would love to stay and explore this more” He grinned, tracing his finger down my wet chest. “However…the fact of that matter is that I’m running out of money and I need to get back home and open up my shop”

“You could always stay with Jared and I” My teasing was turning serious because I didn’t want Shannon to leave on so many levels. It wasn’t because I was in love or anything like that, but I felt as if there was something between us and I didn’t want it to end so quickly.

“I can’t live off of Jared…but he has asked me on more then one occasion about moving down here. I’ve been thinking about it…so who knows” I hated the idea of Shannon leaving because one, the man was sexy as hell and I was curious as to where we could go in a sexual way. Two, it was nice to have someone other then Jared to hang out with since Tim and I had split up, but the most important reason was that I dreaded the thought of having to take care of the drama princess all by myself once again. We fucked like mad once again before the morning came, each of us wrapped around each other when Jared barged into my room early the next morning.

Holy hell erupted after that, Jared shocked that he had found the two of us in bed, even more shocked about the fact that his brother was gay and hadn’t bothered to tell him. The fight was long and ugly as I sat in the living room listening as heated and loud words were exchanged in my bedroom. Jared had literally thrown me out butt assed naked, jerking me off of the bed before shoving me into the hallway, slamming the door in my face before I had to chance to utter a word. I could hear thing hitting the wall the louder the brawling got, not even flinching because it was reminiscent of what it was like growing up with the two brother’s always at odds with each other. “Will you drive me to the airport?” I heard Shannon ask, fully dressed and looking rather pissed.

“Sure…” I responded, getting up with the intent of going into my bedroom to change. “Are you ok?” I asked, not even embarrassed by the fact that I was still completely naked.

“He’s disowned me and probably fired you….so be prepared” He warned, walking into the living room with his bag in his hand. I didn’t say anything else as I walked slowly down the hallway, knowing that Jared was still in my room.

“Jared…” I said his name slowly as I walked in and found his sitting on my bed. He refused to look at me, staring at the floor instead, holding my organizer in his hand. I panicked for a second because I knew how over the top Jared’s temper was and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if I didn’t tread easily the device that held our entire existence was going to find its way smashed into a wall. “Jared…” I said his name again, walking deeper into the room, still not caring that I was without a stitch of clothing.

“How long have you known?” He asked, still looking at the floor.

“I just found out last night” I replied, starting to feel uncomfortable as I searched the floor for my clothes. Finding my shirt, I jerked it over my head before going in search of my jeans.

“You just found out tonight and what…you didn’t believe him so you had to fuck him in order to see if it was true?” His words were nasty and full of hurt as he finally looked up at me, causing me to stop in my tracks because he looked so sad and childlike.

“It wasn’t like that Jared” I tried to explain, finally finding my jeans before covering my lower torso. “We were talking about old times and it just happened” I watched as he clutched my organizer tighter in his hand, my heart dipping into my chest when he lifted it up in front of him, looking me dead in the face while he did. He knew what he was doing and knew the affect that it was having on me.

“Old times…” He yelled. “What old times…he fucking hated you when we were growing up. But…I guess that this is a big thrill for you since we all know the amazing fucking crush you had on him. You had the opportunity to live out your fantasy and boy you just had to take it didn’t you? I hate you” He said in and flat and hateful tone, tossing the electronic device on the bed before storming past me.

“Jared…” I called out after him, nearly slamming into him as he and Shannon stood in front of each other in the hallway, another showdown about to begin.

“You had no right” Jared spoke. “Tomo belongs to me. He’s mine…he’s always been mine” I didn’t know what to think about those words as I switched from happy to annoyed and then back again, but once again I had no idea if Jared thought of me as someone he loved very much or just his private property.

“He’s not an object Jared” Shannon called after him after he walked past him. “He’s a person with emotions and feelings. You’d know that if you’d stop treating him like he’s your fucking property and not the wonderful and sweet man that he is”

“Don’t you tell me about Tomo” Jared shot back, finger pointed at Shannon’s chest, a look of pure evil upon his face. “I’ve known and loved Tomo for a lot fucking longer then you have. You think that you can fuck him once and know everything about him. Well you can’t…so fuck off” He was gone after that, the door to his bedroom slamming loudly behind him.

“I’ve really just fucked everything up” Shannon sighed, staring at the closed door.

“He’s just in shock Shannon. He just needs time to think and then everything will be alright” I hoped I was telling the truth, but with Jared it was growing really hard to tell. “Come on…let’s get you to the airport”

No words were spoken the entire trip to the airport, each of us still reeling over the confrontation with Jared. I didn’t know what I was going to find once I got back home, but something told me that it was going to be something horrible. I was still trying to figure out what his words from earlier meant, my heart wanting them to mean so much more then they probably did, my mind telling me that I was a fool and that they were words only said to hurt Shannon and I. “Don’t let him dominate you entire life Tomo” I heard Shannon speak as we sat in the parking garage of the airport. “As I said before…I love my brother…but I know how much he demands of the people that love him. You deserve so much more then what he can give you” I wasn’t sure what those words meant at first, but they eventually began to make sense, because no matter how much I tried to deny it to myself and anyone, a part of me still loved Jared. “Find love…be happy” I closed my eyes as he laid his hand upon the side of my face. “You deserve it Tomo” He repeated as I opened my eyes and leaned into his touch. “Don’t ever forget that” My eyes closed once again as he leaned forward and kissed me deeply, throwing me an impish smile before he grabbed his bag from the back seat and got out of the car. “See ya…” He waved, still smiling before jogging out of my sight.

I was a nervous wreck the entire ride back home, thankful for the traffic I got stuck in along the way because it gave me time to think about what I wanted to say to Jared. I was hoping that he was still sulking in his room as I entered the hallway, cursing under my breath when I walked into the living area and found his sitting on the couch. “Go take a shower” He said with no emotion in his voice, but his eyes were stormy and anger filled.

“Jared…” I tried to speak, but he cut me off before I could say anything else.

“Go take a shower” His words were a bit harsher as I did what I was told and headed off towards my bedroom. I knew I was in for a hellish day as I stripped off my clothes and climbed under the warm water. I was so lost in thought that I hadn’t even heard him at first, nearly jumping out of my skin at a hand upon my shoulder.

“Jared?” I questioned, trying to turn around to face him, but unable to at the hand still on my back. I didn’t know what to say or do, and so I said nothing as he grabbed the bar of soap hanging off of the shower head and began to bathe me. He was so gentle and as much as I tried not to enjoy it, I couldn’t help but close my eyes and allow my mind to drift off for a moment. I came back to reality rather quickly as I heard the soap hit the floor, Jared’s warm body pressed against my backside. “Jared…please” I moaned, not knowing if I wanted him to stop or continue. I found that it didn’t matter what I wanted as he spun me around, his mouth crushed against mine so fast that it took me a moment to figure out what was going on. “No…” I moaned again, his hand between my legs massaging me firmly. He didn’t hear me or care as he continued to kiss me. I felt as if I was floating on air as he spun me around once again, pining me to the shower wall. I knew what was going to happen next as he entered me without preparation, but I didn’t care because I felt like I was in heaven.

I felt amazing and happy because I thought that Jared finding me with Shannon had maybe woken some thing up in him. I was hopeful that he had finally realized that he truly did love me and that we would be together forever. Yes, I really thought those things for about half a minute before Jared started pounding into my with ravage strokes, my entire body slamming into the wall with each one. “Mine…” He growled against my ear, fucking me even harder. My heart broke for the millionth time, tears pouring down my face because once again I had been fooled by my own crazy love for him. “You will always be mine” He cried out as he came, leaving me sobbing like a baby once he had pulled out. I stayed in that shower crying out the contents of my broken heart until the water ran cold, finally forcing myself to pull it together because I knew my day of hell was far from over.

As expected he treated me like shit the entire day. He was rude and mean, demanding things of me that if I hadn’t had a small shred of guilt about sleeping with his brother, I would have told him to fuck off. It was nearly midnight before I was able to crawl into bed, my body and mind too exhausted to think or want anything but sleep. Jared saw fit to see that didn’t happen as he walked into my room and climbed into bed with me. I wanted to cry out of pure exhaustion because I knew that I wasn’t going to get any sleep that night. “Tomo…” He spoke my name softly, sitting beside me, knees pulled up into his chest.

“What Jared?” I asked, lying on my side, not willing to move because I just didn’t think that I had it in me.

“I’m sorry about earlier” He began, his voice quaking at he did. “I saw you with Shannon and I just went into a rage” I didn’t say anything because in truth I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. “Do you think that I treat you like you are my property?”

I wanted to scream ***YES…FUCK YES YOU DO** but I didn’t. “Go to bed Jared” I replied instead, closing my eyes and wishing like hell that he would just go away.

“I don’t think of you like that you know” He went on, ignoring me as usual. “You’re my best friend…the only person that knows the real me and loves me for it. I love you Tomo…no matter what my fucking brother might think. You mean the world to me” I wanted to be able to turn to him and tell him everything he had said wasn’t true, but I knew deep within my heart that the words were just that, words and they held no real meaning. Faking a snore, I curled up deeper into my pillow, pretending to sleep in hopes that Jared would get the hint and leave. He did, and as expected I didn’t sleep one wink the entire night as I tried to make any sense of just how fucked up I had allowed my life to become once again.

Jared and I just seemed to never recover fully after that night. He tried to make it up to me by buying me nice things, trying to include me in the nightlife that he loved so much, but I wanted none of it. After Shannon left I started to really think about my life and just how much of it I had wasted on Jared and how I had nothing to show for it. I felt empty and lonely and no matter what Jared tried to do, I knew there was nothing that he could do to fix it. I played along like nothing was wrong though, doing my job, but with each day that passed I found myself pulling further and further away from the man that at one time in my life meant everything to me. I knew deep in my heart that it was just a matter of time before our paths came to an end, and as terrified as I was for it, I was excited for it as well.

It actually came a lot quicker then I expected as very early one morning I received a phone call from my brother. My mother was in the hospital after suffering a severe heart attack and the doctors didn’t know if she was going to pull through or not. I assured my brother that I was on my way, praying like hell that everything was going to be ok. I dressed quickly, stuffing a few things in a bag before rushing into Jared’s bedroom. I found him half drugged out of his mind, some young club kid sucking his dick. “What?” He slurred his words, looking over at me through bloodshot eyes. I nearly lost my temper as images of the night I was raped assaulted me, but I pushed it aside because my mother and family needed me and that was all that mattered at that time.

“My mother is in the hospital…I have to leave for a while” I spoke coldly, placing my organizer on his dresser before turning to leave. “I have your entire schedule for the month programmed in here…all you have to do is hit the day and it will tell you what you need. I have my own cell phone and you can call me if you need me” With a final look of disgust I took my leave.

“You can’t fucking leave now” I heard him bellow behind me, but I ignored him as I continued on my way out. “Tomo…wait a fucking minute” He screamed extremely loudly, causing me to stop and face him before he woke up the entire neighborhood. “You can’t just leave like that…I have too much shit to do this week for the new movie and then we still have to plan for my vacation” He tossed my organizer back to me as I closed my eyes and counted to ten in order to control my rage and the urge to kill him right on the spot.

“Do you really think that I give two shits about your vacation” I screamed, mindless to the fact that I was going to be the one to wake the neighbors instead. “My mother is in the hospital Jared. They don’t even know if she will survive…so pardon me if I am not worried about planning your vacation”

“Our vacation Tomo” He corrected himself, walking over to me and taking my hand into his. “A time for us to be together and unwind…too get to know each other once again. Your family is there…they can take care of your mother. I need this vacation Tomo. So…you need to decide where your loyalties lie…with me or your family”

“It isn’t even an option” I smiled at Jared, hugging him quickly before I pulled back and punched the shit out of him. “I fucking quit” I replied with a real smile as I tossed the organizer and my cell phone into his lap and walked out of his life.

He tried desperately to get me back, but I was just as determined and eventually he found some other asshole to organize his fucked up life for him. I left Jared with nothing and being the prick that I knew him to be, he didn’t offer me a dime in compensation. I was broke and unemployed, but I was the happiest I had ever been in a long time. My mother made a full recovery and life was good again. Shannon and I came into each others lives again and became the best of friends. It was amazing to have someone in my life that only wanted to be my friend and didn’t expect anything else in return. He was dating a hot doctor and was happy. I was ecstatic for Shannon, but at the same time it made me realize just how much I was missing love in my life.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life, but I knew that I had to do something and fast. My parents had offered to sign the restaurant they owned over to me, willing to give me a loan to get my life back on track and as much as I loved my parents for putting their faith and trust in me, I knew that I couldn’t do it. The idea of working in a restaurant for the rest of my life horrified me because I wanted more out of my life. I thanked them profusely, then explaining why I couldn’t take them up on their offer. They played along like they understood, but I could tell that they didn’t and were absolutely terrified that my life was about to fall apart once again. I wanted more and after living in the city for five years; I knew it was where I needed to be. I had made a lot of contacts working for Jared and so I started placing phone call upon phone call, letting everyone and anyone that I knew know that I was available and ready to work. I was excited and hopeful, but I should have known that Jared would somehow take it all away from me again and he did just that.

Each and every phone call after that was a let down, the person on the other end having one reason or another as to why they couldn’t hire me or even refer me. The cold hard fact was that Jared was the reason that they couldn’t and wouldn’t risk the anger and smite from the great Jared Leto. He was a mover and a shaker in Hollywood at that point and very well connected, thanks in large part to me of course. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was the one behind it, but of course I had no proof and no one ever said otherwise. I fought for as long as I could, but eventually my contacts dwindled down to nothing and the phone calls ceased altogether. I was depressed and fed up and as having no other options; I took my parents up on their offer after all. My life was miserably as I went through the motions for months, not really caring about anything or anyone as I trudged through day after day. The only high point was my new best friend and I was thankful daily that I had Shannon in my life. However, I had accepted the fact that this was going to be my life, but fate had other ideas as someone I had never expected to see again came into my restaurant and changed my life all over again.

“There’s a man at table seven that wants to talk to the manager” I heard one of the waiters say to me as I sat in my office, trying to concentrate on the invoice in front of me, but failing miserably.

“What does he want?” I snapped, just wanting to be left alone. It was nearing closing and I was more then ready to get the hell out of there. I had a routine each night after closing as I rushed home, downing a few beers while watching some late night TV, before calling Shannon and venting about my horrible day.

“I don’t know…but he’s demanding to speak to the manager” The kid stammered, making me feel bad for taking my shitty life out of him.

“Ok Tommy…I’ll go talk to him” I said, patting him on the back as I got up and walked out of the office. “It’s not that busy tonight…so why don’t you cut out of here early” I smiled at the way his face lit up before he raced for the kitchen, racing out the back door.

Taking a deep I walked into the dinning area, my heart beating like mad as I looked up and found myself staring into beautiful blue eyes that I was sure I would never see ever again. “Tim…” I whispered, my feet unable to move as he sat before me with a smile upon his face.

“Hey Tomo…” He smiled even more, sliding out of the booth before walking up to me. I closed my eyes as he pulled me into his arms and held me close. “How are you?” He asked, pulling back, sliding back into the booth, indicating with his hand that he wanted me to take the seat across from him once he had.

“Good…” I lied, sitting down, playing with a napkin because I was nervous as hell and yet I didn’t know why.

“Good…” He replied and I could tell that he was just as nervous as I was. The room went silent except for the few patrons still enjoying their meal. “You know you could never lie to me” He spoke up, playing with the own napkin lying on the table before him. “I know just by looking at you that you’re totally miserable and I also know you are looking for work and that you’ve been turned away left and right”

His words stung like hell and no matter how much I wanted to deny them, I knew that I couldn’t. “So what…you come to offer me a job or maybe come to gloat as payback?” I asked quite rudely, regretting it immediately at the look of hurt that crossed his face. “I’m sorry Tim” I went on, my eyes downcast because I knew Tim didn’t deserve any of that. “I lied about everything being good…because everything is not good” I finally looked up at him, tears within my eyes because I knew that despite the fact that our relationship had ended badly, I could still trust him. “In fact everything is far from good”

“I know Tomo and I’m sorry…but that’s why I am here” He smiled, flinging his napkin at me.

“I don’t understand” I said completely confused.

“I’m here to offer you a job” He smiled again, reaching over and taking my hands into his.

“You want me to work for you?” I asked, even more confused.

“No…you wouldn’t be working for me” He replied, squeezing my hand before letting go. “I know someone who is looking for a personal assistant and I knew you would be perfect for the job”

“Who?” I asked, trying to figure out if what I was hearing was a dream or if Tim was really sitting before me offering an escape from my hellish life.

“His name is Randolph Hutchins and…”

Randolph Hutchins the movie producer?” I cut him off, already knowing who the man was because he was a living legend in the movie business.

“The one and the same” He laughed at my eagerness.

“But how…Jared’s managed to ensure that I never work in this business again” I slumped in my chair, head hung again.

“Yes…I know all about how he’s black listed you” I could hear the venom in Tim’s voice and despite my pain, I couldn’t help but smile because it meant that he still cared for me, if even just a little. “However…I know Randolph quite well and he’s never been one to listen to gossip anyway. I was having lunch with him just the other day and he was telling me how his other personal assistant quit because she had gotten married and how hard it was to find someone that could handle him and his busy schedule and well…I told him all about you” His voice went quiet as he gazed at me across the table. “Regardless of what’s happened between us Tomo…you still are one hell of a P.A. and you deserve better then this” He motioned around the room. “Don’t tell me you don’t miss it”

“I can’t lie and say that I don’t…but I made a promise to my family and it’s one that I can’t go back on” I wanted to cry as those words left my lips, but I held strong, because if anything I was a man of my word.

“Tomo…I know it will be hard trying to explain to them why you want to move back into the city…but I know you can do it. Hell…you finally got the gumption to leave Leto’s ass and with a black eye to boot” He chuckled, his blue eyes sparkling.

“How…forget it…I don’t want to know” I laughed, hopeful for the first time in a long time. The fact of the matter was that with the Hollywood elite there truly were no secrets. “How is it that you are such great friends with the great Randolph Hutchins?” I asked, watching as a blush crossed his face before he replied.

“He’s my grand father” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, his blush growing deeper as I did. After that Tim and I talked for hours and hours, not realizing how much time had passed until the morning crew came in the next morning to prepare for the upcoming day. He gave me Randolph’s information before heading back into the city with promises of getting together to talk once again. I was a nervous wreck later that day as I entered my parent’s home, prepared to take control of my life once again.

As expected my father hit the roof when I told him what I wanted to do, my mother just sitting off to the side watching me. I explained over and over again how I felt as if I was suffocating and needed to do this to prove to myself that I could. He, of course brought up Jared and the amount of time that I wasted on him and myself and then I just lost it. I started yelling at my father in a way that I had never done before, telling him in no uncertain terms that I was a grown man and I was going to do what I wanted to do with my life. He stormed out of the room after that leaving me alone with my mother, who had yet to speak. “He’s just worried about you…afraid you are going to get lost once again” I didn’t have to ask her to explain because I knew exactly what she meant.

“This time is different” I tried to assure her because I could see that she was just as worried as my father was. “Randolph is not Jared. He’s a mature man…who has seen it all and done it all. I know you think that working with Jared was all bad…but you have to believe me when I tell you that it wasn’t all bad and I learned a lot from the experience. I need to do this mother…because if I stay here I feel as if I might fade away” I knew I was being dramatic, but I had to do something in order to prove to her how serious I was about this.

“I know…but what about Jared? I think what I am most afraid of is that if you go back to the city that you will fall back into the same situation you were in before. Jared has always been such a huge part of your life since we first moved here and you gave up everything for his dream…losing a lot of yourself in the process”

“You just have to believe me when I say that that won’t happen. Yes…Jared has always been a part of my life…I can’t deny that” I began, my heart hurting for my lost friend, but then the anger and determination pushed their way forward. “He’s out of my life now and there is nothing that he can say or do to make up for the hurt and the pain that he has caused me. However…at the same time a lot of it was because of me…because I was too scared to take on my own life and so I followed his. I could have left him and started on my own, but I got scared and I hung on. I know that I put up with things I should never have put up with before…but I am older and a lot wiser now. You just have to trust me and know that I know what I am doing”

“When will you go?” She asked, tears in her eyes as she reached out and pulled me into her arms.

“I have an interview with Randolph tomorrow morning and if he likes me…I start tomorrow”

“He will like you…of this I have faith” She smiled, kissing me on the cheek before getting up and heading towards her room. “Don’t worry Tomo…I will speak to your father”

“Thanks mom” I smiled up at her, excited as hell for the start of my new life.

Randolph was direct and to the point as he interviewed me the next morning. He asked many personal questions about my life and what I did for Jared. I was so nervous, but I answered honestly and hoped and prayed that it didn’t come back to bite me in the ass in the end. The interview felt as if it were going on for hours, but in reality it was only about an hour, my heart ready to burst from my chest as I waited for him to give me an answer. “You will be expected to be here before I get up in the morning with messages and my schedule waiting the moment I enter through that door” He pointed at the door to the side of us. “When home, I have lunch with my family at noon without fail and you may or may not join us. Normally our day will end between six or seven…but be aware that this may change depending on if I am working on a movie or not. I don’t travel much…but when I do you are to at my side without fail…already knowing what I need with out me having to tell you. Do you think you can handle these simple tasks?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest as he waited for my reply.

“Without question…sir” I replied with determination, but then remembering my manners.

“Tim told me that you were a hot shit…guess he wasn’t lying” He chuckled. I didn’t know why but those words hurt me some as I dropped my eyes to the floor. “Don’t worry Tomo…I know that you and Tim were once an item and I know it didn’t last” He said and I didn’t know if it was in assurance or warning.

“He’s your grandson…why did you hire me then if you know what happened between us?” I asked, looking up as I did.

“Because he believes that you are the best person for this job and I have faith in my Timmy boy” He laughed, causing me to smile at the cute nickname. “So…you want the job or not?” I started that very day.

Working for Randolph was amazing and I learned so much from him. He and his family included me in many of their social activities, Tim joining us from time to time. We developed a sort of a friendship, that didn’t even come close to what we had had before hand, but it was nice to have him in my life once again. He was semi serious with another P.A. he had met on set and he seemed very happy. I dated off and on, but none of them ever had the spark I was looking for, but I wasn’t as unhappy with my life as I once had been.

I had managed to avoid Jared for months after coming back to the city, but I knew that eventually my luck was going to run out and one night at an opening, it did. He didn’t notice me at first, but I noticed him as he stumbled down the red carpet, some blonde bimbo stumbling along with him. I couldn’t believe how horrible he looked as he attempted to talk to the reporters trying to get his attention, but you could see he was drunk or high and completely unfocused. I looked around him trying to find the person that had replaced me, finding nothing. I felt bad for Jared as he tripped over his date’s foot and fell to the ground, but that changed to indifference as he caught sight of me from across the way. The look he shot me said everything that I needed to know as he pushed the sunglasses that had fallen off of his face back on and pretended that he had never seen me. I didn’t linger on it for long as Randolph made his way inside and I knew that nothing else mattered but making sure that he got everything that he needed.

Six months later Jared entered rehab, only to release himself a few days later. The word on the street was that he was falling apart and that his once bright career was dwindling away the deeper he fell into the drinking and the drugs. I knew it was against my better judgment, but I found myself at Jared’s home one day. I knew I had no right to be there, but I was hoping like hell that I could talk some sense into his stupid ass and maybe get him back up on his feet again. He refused to speak to me, not even opening the gate as I sat in my car on the outside. I felt better for trying, but a small part of me really missed my old friend and hoped and prayed that we was able to pull himself together and once again be the brilliant actor that I knew he could be.

I called Shannon later that night to tell him what had happened because despite his best efforts to try and reconcile with his brother, Jared always refused. It made me sad to know that Shannon had lost his brother because of me, but he constantly told me that none of it was my fault before he changed the subject and started talking about something else. Shannon and I were still remained close, each of us being there for each other without fail when needed. I was so thankful for Shannon because it was nice to have something that I could depend on, knowing that he didn’t expect anything from my more then what I was willing to give. It was odd because in a sense I felt closer to Shannon in the short time that we had become friends then I did with Jared, whom I had been friends with for many years.

I worked for Randolph for six years before my life took another drastic change. He had been diagnosed with lung cancer a year and a half prior and despite his doctor’s constant urgings to stay home and enjoy the rest of his time of earth, he continued to work. Even on his death bed, he refused to change his ways. I had always had a great respect for Randolph, but as he lay before me dying, refusing to give in, it grew even more. I wasn’t there the morning that he passes away, instead spending some time with my own family, who had eventually forgave me for moving back into the city. I was devastated beyond belief when I got the phone call from Randolph’s wife, telling me that he had passed away peacefully in his sleep that morning and that she needed my help with preparations for his funeral. Tim was working in another country, but assured me that he would be home as soon as he could.

Preparing that funeral was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do because I felt as if I was losing a part of my family. Randolph had always been so kind and accepting of me and his family had as well. Three days later everything was ready as we prepared to bury a man who had always been such a large part of the film community. The night before the funeral I was exhausted, but I knew that sleep would never come as I sat in my living room, watching the very first movie Randolph had worked on. It was an old black and white movie, with brilliant storylines and even more brilliant actors. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t stop crying as my mind fell back to the earlier days with Jared and I and just how much my life had changed since then. I once again found myself missing him like crazy even though I knew that I shouldn’t. I contemplated not opening the door when I heard someone knock upon it, but I did as I wiped the tears from my eyes before doing so. “Jared…” I sobbed like a baby as I found the man I had been thinking about standing before me. He didn’t say anything as he pulled me into his arms and just held me while I cried over the loss of my dear friend Randolph.

He somehow maneuvered me to the couch, where he held me until I couldn’t cry anymore. “What are you doing here?” I asked tiredly, my head lying on his shoulder as I looked up at him because no matter what, I wasn’t ready to let go of him.

“I heard about Randolph and wanted to make sure you were ok” He said quietly, just watching me as I pushed myself away, staring at him as I tried to control my anger.

“You wanted to see if I was ok?” I repeated, unable to believe that after everything he had done to me, that he had actually said those words. “After all you have done to me or tried to do to me in the following years…you wanted to see if I was ok?” His body flinched the louder my words got, his body slinking farther and farther away as well.

“Yes…it’s the truth” He said, his eyes full of sadness and unbelievably what looked like regret. “I also came over here to beg for your forgiveness. I’ve changed a lot in the last couple of years and I have a worked through a lot of my problems” He didn’t say anything for a long time, just looking at me, watching, waiting to see how I was going to react to his words. The problem was that other then anger; I wasn’t sure how he wanted me to act to them.

“You do look different” I finally said, raking my eyes up and down his body, noticing for the first time that he was trembling as well.

“I am different Tomo” He replied. “I got out of rehab about a year ago and started talking to some head doctors and well…” He hesitated, running his hand through his head as he continued to look at me. “It may have taken me a lot of years Tomo…but I know that I’ve hurt you and done some really shitty things to you when all you ever did was love me and look out for me. I know I treated you like a possession and not the best friend in the entire world that you were. I know that I caused you to lose a man that I knew you loved with you whole heart because I was so jealous that I couldn’t see straight. I know that I turned my back on you when you needed me most, even though you had been there for me without fail through everything” He was crying openly then, huge tears bleeding from his beautiful blue eyes. “I know that there probably isn’t anything that I can do to make you believe how sorry I am…but I am determined to do anything and everything to prove to you that I mean these words”

What I did next shocked us both as I lunged forward and kissed him good and hard. He hesitated for a few moments before he started to kiss me back. I knew I should have stopped, pushed him away and asked him to leave, but I was lonely and upset and so I pulled him closer. Everything became a blur after that as we ended up in my bed fucking like maniacs. Afterwards I felt somewhat better and yet I couldn’t explain why as we laid side by side, each of us fighting for breath. “We shouldn’t have done that” He said softly, not looking at me as he locked his eyes on the ceiling. “It’s not the way I wanted this to work”

“And just how did you think that this was going to work?” I asked, twinges of anger starting to return.

“I don’t know…but it wasn’t like this” He finally looked at me and I could see that he actually meant those words.

“You really have changed haven’t you?” I asked, sitting up, comforter across my lap as I pulled my knees into my chest.

“I have” He smiled sadly, sitting up at as well as he turned to face me. “It took me a long time to realize what a fucking shit I’ve been to you over the years. You were the one person in my life that was always there for me even if I felt I didn’t need you. My father abandoned me before I was even born and my mother spent more time running away from me then she did trying to take care of me and Shannon…well Shannon just never knew what to do with me”

“You just ask for so much Jared” I spoke the truth, seeing how much those words hurt him, but knowing that he knew them to be the honest truth. “Shannon didn’t know what to do with you because you always had to be the center of attention. He loves you so much Jared…but you always expected more from him then he could ever give you. Hell…you always expect more from anyone that comes into your life then they can give you…even me”

“I know and it’s the reason that I clung to you as hard as I did” Tears welled up in his eyes. “Can you ever forgive me for all the horrible things that I did to you?”

“It’s all water under the bridge” I replied, tucking into an even tighter ball.

“You didn’t answer my question” A single tear slid down his face.

“I was part of the problem as well Jared…so I can’t let you take all of the blame” I reached out and wiped that simple tear away from his cheek, a small shudder running through my entire body as he took my hand gently into his hand and kissed it tenderly.

“I’ve always loved you Tomo…always” He repeated as if to ensure that I understood what he was trying to say. “I still love you and I know that I have no right to ask…but I want you back into your life. I want to share my life with you as my partner…as my equal”

“I…I…” I stammered, trying to figure out if what I had heard was really what I had heard. “I can’t answer that now” I blurted out, confused as to what I wanted to say.

“I know you can’t and I wouldn’t expect you to…but can you at least promise me that you will think about it?” He asked with such hope in his eyes that I could only nod in response. “Ok…” He smiled in relief, leaning forward and kissing me quickly before sliding off of the bed. I watched in silence as he dressed quickly, coming to stand before me once he was done. “I meant what I said Tomo…I really do love you. I will wait for you to let me know where we go from here” He kissed me again before leaving me alone and so confused that I didn’t know what the hell to think. I didn’t even realize what I had done until I heard a sleepy voice through the handset that I held to my ear.

“Hello…”

“Shannon…” I couldn’t speak at the lump of painful confusion lodged deep within my throat.

“Tomo…what’s wrong” I could hear the concern in his voice, sheets rustling in the background.

“Shit…sorry Shan…I didn’t realize what time it was” I forced myself to speak. “I’ll just call you later” I hung up the phone before he had a chance to say anything else, it ringing back before I even had a chance to put it on the dresser. “I shouldn’t have called you” I spoke quickly, swallowing hard before speaking again. “I am so sorry Shannon”

“Tomo…what the hell? What’s wrong?” I could hear the panic in his voice as I took another deep breath and told him everything. “Whoa…” Was all he said as I waited on the other side, my pulse pounding and yet I didn’t know why. “Well…do you still love him?” He asked, something not quite right about the sound of his voice, but I just brushed it aside as I really thought about what he had asked me.

Love…” I said the word, trying to get a taste for it, my emotions a ragged mess. “I don’t know what I feel honestly” I said, lying down on the bed as I cradled the phone against my ear. “You know I’ve always loved Jared…but after everything he did to me…how can things just go back to the way that they were? I mean…honestly Shannon I don’t know if I even want to be friends with him again much less admit that I still might have some feelings for him” I rushed out.

“Now we both know you are lying” He replied, once again an edge to his voice that I just didn’t quite understand.

“You know me so well” I laughed sadly, my heart squeezing at just how thankful I was to have Shannon in my life. He had become my best friend, the one that I talked to on a nightly basis about everything and anything. We got together whenever we could, hanging out, having fun, but never anything sexual.

“I do…” His words sounded almost sad. “And I know that there will always be a part of you that loves Jared…no matter what. You two always had a bond that no one could ever understand and despite the fact that Jared got a fat head and hurt you…I know that the bond is still there. The problem is that you have to decide if you still love him the way you once did or that if you don’t…can it grow from there”

“I don’t know” I groaned into my pillow. “Fuck…why did he have to come back now. I mean…with the funeral and then trying to figure out where I go from here…I just don’t need this”

“It’s life” I could hear him smile as he spoke. “Shit…it’s Jared” His voice turned scared. “What should I do?”

“Talk to him…and then call me later” I added, hanging up the phone before he could talk himself out of it. I didn’t hear back from Shannon that night, but I saw him at the funeral the next day, standing next to Jared and by the looks on their faces I could tell that they had been up talking all night.

I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the two brother’s make their way towards me before the funeral started. “You made up” I exclaimed, hugging Shannon first, closing my eyes as his warmth and scent settled into me, calming me in a way that I needed so badly. “You have to tell me everything” I whispered against his ear. He didn’t say anything as I pulled back, but the smile on his face told me just how happy he was to have his brother back in his life.

“It’s all thanks to you” Jared said, pulling me into his arms, holding me tightly. My eyes locked with Shannon’s, a look of sadness staring back at me before it was covered up. I didn’t know what to think of that as Jared pulled away from me, placing a lingering kiss upon my lips. “How are you holding up?” He asked once he broke it, holding onto my hands as he waited for me to respond.

“I’ll be ok once this is all over” I sighed, trying to catch Shannon’s eyes again but he seemed to have found fascination with something else.

“Do you want me to come over later tonight and keep you company?” Jared asked, still holding my hand.

“Thanks…but I’m spending the night with Tim and his family?” I felt the grip of my hand tighten, both of the brother’s looking at me in shock. “The reading of the will is first thing in the morning and for some reason I have to be there…plus Randolph’s wife asked me to stay. She’s like a second mother to me…so I couldn’t say no” I explained.

“Tomo…” I heard someone call my name, finding Tim standing a little ways away from me. “We are about to start” He went on, holding his hand out for me to take.

“I’ll talk to you both later” I smiled, letting go of Jared’s hand before taking Tim’s. I didn’t have to turn around to know that I had two pair of eyes following after me. The funeral was a beautiful experience where the man that we all loved was put to rest. I sat between Tim and his grandmother, both of them holding my hand as we mourned our losses. Afterwards, I tried to catch up with Jared and Shannon, but each time that I attempted to break away, Tim and his grandmother were introducing me to someone new. By the end of the day I was too exhausted to even think about either of them as I said my goodnights and went to the bedroom I was staying in. I was nearly asleep when I heard a knock at my door, sitting up when it was opened and Tim stood there.

“I’m sorry to bother you…but I couldn’t sleep and…” My heart broke as Tim seemed to fall apart right before my very eyes. I was at his side in a flash, tucking him into my bed before I crawled in beside him, just holding him tightly within my arms. “I just miss him so much” I heard him sob against my ear, causing me to hold him even tighter as I shed my own slew of tears. I don’t know how long we cried, but afterwards we just lay in silence, enjoying each others comfort and understanding. “I missed this” I heard him speak softly, his nose nuzzling my neck and as much as I knew I should have resisted it, I found my neck arched in wait of more. More nuzzles were shared, then a few simple kisses along my pulse point, before I found my lips covered as well. I fell into the kiss headlong as it brought me back to a time when I was loved and happy. Tim and I made love that night for hours. Afterwards, we just held each other and spoke of the past and how much our lives had changed since we had been together. He asked about Jared, reminding me of the kiss Jared had given me before the funeral started, wanting to know what it meant between the two of us. I was honest with him, telling him everything Jared had said to me, expecting him to blow his top like he did when we were together, instead doing the complete opposite. “He’s changed a lot in the past few years” He began. “He even apologized to me last year for splitting the two of us up”

“He did?” I asked, shocked.

“He did…and at that point in time I was still so angry about losing you that all I could do was punch him in the face before I stormed off” He laughed sadly. “I wasn’t over you then. Hell…I’m not over you now” He continued. “You’re a very hard person to move past Tomo”

“I’ve never gotten over you either Tim” I supplied my own truths because every word was true.

The smile he sent me was beautiful and I couldn’t help but smile back because I really did miss it and Tim in the years that we had been apart. The problem was I had missed Jared as well and as Tim leaned forward and kissed me, I found myself more confused then ever. “I was thinking” He said as he pulled back and looked into my eyes. “That maybe we could think about trying again. I know that I shouldn’t pressure you…but you have to admit that you and I were perfect together. I still love you Tomo and I want you back in my life. I’m willing to do anything I have to prove to you just how much I love you” He kissed me again, but I couldn’t enjoy it, his words very similar to Jared’s from the previous night. “You don’t have to give me an answer now” I knew that he understood my confusion as he got out of bed, dressed quickly and headed for the door. “I really do love you Tomo” Was the last thing he said before he walked into the hallway, closing the door softly behind him.

I needed to talk to someone and I needed to talk to them bad, Shannon the only person I knew I could trust with my plight. “Hey Tomo…” I heard his voice on the end of the line, starting to feel better immediately at the deepness of his voice. We talked for hours about everything that was going on in my life. We talked about Jared and Tim at length, adding the pros and the cons of even considering going back to either of them. By the time we were done I was more frustrated then when I had started, because I was no closer to making a decision then I had been before I had called Shannon. “Just choose the man that you can’t stop thinking of when he’s not around” He told me. “The one that you know will be there for you when needed. The one that puts a smile on your face and makes your heart skip a beat whenever you think of him. You deserve the best Tomo” I could hear the smile in his voice and it caused my heart to beat in double time. “You are a sweet and kind man that deserves to be with someone that will love and cherish you. Don’t you even consider accepting less” We ended our phone conversation after that, my heart and my mind warring in a bitter battle as I continued to try and figure out who to choose.

I didn’t sleep a wink that night, tossing and turning because my mind and my heart wouldn’t shut up enough to let me. The next morning I found myself sitting between Tim and his grandmother once again as Randolph’s will was read. I felt a bit uncomfortable there, but I figured since I had been his assistant for so long it was expected to be a final aspect of my job. I was wrong. As expected Randolph’s entire estate was left to his wife, Tim getting a very nice inheritance as well. The shocker was when I heard my name read and was told by the lawyer that Randolph had left me a very nice surprise as well. He had left me five million dollars, explaining in his will that it was one for ever year that I had words for him. I was stunned and speechless, tears bleeding down my face as I tried to remember to breathe. I expected Tim and his grand mother to be upset about what we had just heard, but as I looked between the two of them all I saw were tearful smiles. “I don’t understand” I said afterwards as Tim thanked the lawyer for his time and ushered him out the door.

“Randolph loved you as if you were one of our sons” His wife explained, lying her hand softly upon my cheek. “We both did. Now if you boys will excuse me…I think that I will lie down for a bit. I didn’t get much sleep last night and I have so much to do this afternoon” She hugged me close, kissing me on the cheek before she did the same to Tim.

“I don’t know what to say” I was still in shocked as Tim walked up to me, pulling me into his arms.

“There is nothing to say” He smiled, pulling back in order to look at me. “You made quite an impression on my grandfather…just like you do with everyone that you meet” He leaned forward to kiss me, but I hindered his action as I stepped backwards.

“I’m sorry…” I blushed, wanting to kiss Tim so badly, but at the same time knowing that it was a very bad mistake. “I just need some time to think. Can you understand that?” I asked timidly, hoping and praying that he did.

“Yeah…I understand that” He smiled, unable to hide the sadness. “Um…the money has been wired to you account and…”

“Tim….” I said his name slowly, because as I really looked at him, I realized that as much as I still loved Tim, we could never go back to what we had before.

“So you’ve chosen him?” He asked, not even trying to hide the bitterness.

“No…” I spoke truthfully, realizing at that very moment that I had made my decision. “You and Jared are a part of my past and as much as I love you both…I just can’t go back. I need to move forward…need to find someone that will love me for me and not judge me for my mistakes. I know you love me Tim…but can you honestly say that after five years you are over the fact that I choose Jared and my career over you?” He didn’t say anything because he knew I was right. “It would eventually come back to haunt us and we would end up hurting each other”

“I really do love you” He whispered, kissing me quickly on the lips. “But you’re right” With that said he took his leave, leaving me alone in the study. I knew that I had to talk to Jared, knew that I had to tell him that there was no way that I could go back. I debated calling him, but it was someone else that I wanted to talk to more as I dialed his number praying like hell that he picked up his phone.

“Shannon…it’s Tomo” I yelled into the phone, rushing out of the house and into my car. “I really need to talk to you. Please call me when you get this message” I knew Shannon was heading back home that morning and as I glanced at my watched I was pretty sure he was already on his way there. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself as I sped down the highway trying to get to him, that it had taken me so long to realize what was right in front of my face for at least the last few years. With a warning and a speeding ticket later, I pulled up in front of Shannon’s house, hoping and praying that I wasn’t about to make a fool of myself as I exited the car and sprinted up the stairs. “Shannon…” I banged on the door. “Shannon…” I called out even louder, both firsts pounding so hard that I was beginning to get dizzy. “Shannon open the fucking door” I hollered, nearly shitting myself at the voice I heard behind me.

“I would if you’d move your ass out of the way” I heard him laugh, pushing past me as he unlocked the door and stepped inside. “What the hell are you doing here?” He asked, placing a couple of grocery bags on the counter as he turned to face me. “Come to bend my ear about the great loves of your life once again?” There was a smile on his lips, but his eyes told me something completely different.

“No…yes” I stammered. “I mean yes…I’ve made my decision” I stammered, all of a sudden unsure of what I was about to say.

“That’s great Tomo. So who is the lucky man?” The same fake smile from before as he turned to walk away. I didn’t give him the chance as I grabbed onto his arm hindering him from leaving.

“I’ve been thinking about this long and hard for the last couple of days and then this morning it dawned on me that it just shouldn’t have to be this hard. I should just know where my heart belongs and the more that I think about it…it’s belonged with him for a very long time”

“I’m really happy for you Tomo” Another fake smile, such sadness in his eyes that it caused my heart to swell. “So…who is it?” I didn’t give him a verbal answer, but a physical one as I laid my hands on both sides of his head and kissed him. The gasp that omitted from his lips caused me to giggle as I stepped back smiling like crazy. “I don’t understand” He said, his eyes screaming out with such hope.

“I choose you Shannon” My smile grew even more, tears burning the back of my eyes at the look of shocked love I found staring back at me.

“I…I wasn’t even in the running” He smiled, that one reaching his eyes, causing them to sparkle like pure emeralds.

“You told me to choose the man that I can’t stop thinking of when he’s not around. The one that I know will be there for you when needed. The one that puts a smile on my face and makes my heart skip a beat whenever I think of him” I reminded him of his words on the phone earlier that night. “You’re that man Shannon. I think about you all the time. I know with out fail that you will be there for me whenever I need you and honestly every time I talk to you or we hang out…you always do or say something that makes my heart skip a beat or two or three. You’ve been right before my eyes for so long and it just took me last night to realize that you are the one that I love…the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with” He just stood there silently, tears trickling down his cheeks and for a moment there I thought I had made a huge mistake. “Say something…please”

“I don’t care that it took so all those years” He began. “I’m just so fucking glad that you did finally realize it” Before I could respond I was locked in his arms, our lips locked in a heated embrace. “I love you so much Tomo” He rushed out, laughing as he broke our kiss, hugging me against his body. “I just love you so much”

“I love you too” I laughed like a child as he pulled me tighter into his arms, swirling me around until we were both dizzy. “So where do we go from here?” He asked, still holding me close, but I didn’t mind because it was where I wanted to be for the rest of my life.

“We can do anything we want” I laughed, taking his hand as I led him to the couch, telling him about what Randolph had left me.

“Whoa…” Was all he said.

“I know…I still can’t believe it myself. We have money now and we can do anything that we want. I was thinking that maybe we could open up a new shop closer to L.A. or you could become a professional photographer or we could just travel for a while before we make any decisions”

“Tomo…stop” He pressed a finger to my lips, hindering me babbling. “Randolph left that money to you and you should use it on you”

“Yes…he left this money to me…but you and I are an us now and that means that whatever is mine is yours” I rambled, giggling at the look Shannon gave me. “I love you Shannon and I want to be with you and we can donate the money to charity and start from scratch if you want. I don’t care. I just know that I want us to be together and…”

“You’re crazy you know that” He laughed, leaning forward and kissing me quickly. “But damn if it’s not one of the main reasons that I love you”

“Oh…and what are some of the others” I played coy, wrapping my arms around his neck. I didn’t give him a chance to answer as I kissed him hungrily, leaving no room as to what I hoped would come next.

We broke the news to Jared the next morning by phone, neither of us willing to leave Shannon’s home or his bed no matter what. He took it much better then I thought he would, wishing the both of us the best of luck before letting us know that he needed some time to get over what he had been told. I felt bad for Jared, but in honestly it was tiny in comparison to the love that I felt for Shannon and at that time there was nothing more important then being with the man that I loved. However, I knew that my journey with Jared was far from over but that story is for another time and place.

The End…


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